The End of the Road
by BruisedBloodyBroken
Summary: ***NOW COMPLETE*** 9 weeks after sam & dean splitted up, dean receives a call from the hospital - when he arrives there, he can't believe what he finds. will he be ready for the task at hand? bruised ... bloody ... broken. not completely AU. #broken!sam #hurt!sam #probably!torture #caring!dean #hurt!dean #caring!bobby ratedM for a reason
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 ~ Anger**

Dean was still asleep in the drivers seat. Resting his head against the cool Window of his baby.

A silent noise, slowly getting louder, raised him gently from the depths of his sleep. At first he wasn't even sure if it was just an imagination, but the further he left sleepy-land, the more real the sounds became.

Deans neck was stiff and hurt a little bit, when he stirred and opened his eyes slowly.

It had to be quite past noon, at least it felt that way. The Windows of the Impala were misted up and it seemed to be pretty cold outside. At least it wasn't that cold inside the car.

He sighed and moaned when he moved himself into a more comfortable position in the drivers seat.

The beeping noise ended in the same moment, as Dean reached for the glove compartment on the passengers side. Just a few seconds passed, before the ringing started again. It was one of his many phones that rang up with an aggressive ring-tone.

Dean rummaged among the phones until he felt the one that was vibrating. He slid it open without looking on the display, since his vision was still blurry and he probably wouldn't have been able to make something out anyways.

„Yeah?", he asked with a husky voice, as he held the phone to his ear, rubbing with his free hand over his eyes.

The hunts were more tiring, since he got on on his own. There were a lot things he missed. For starters, that he got no backup. Or doing the research all of his own, and Dean wasn't the geek one. Of course he bought himself a own Laptop after he had left. And of course he knew how to do proper research though. But that wasn't everything he needed. Something entirely was missing. His eyes moved over the the empty passengers seat and a flood of mixed up feelings rushed thru his mind. _Anger, Wrath, Disappointment, Loss, Sorrow. _

„Hello. This is Nancy Farmer, North Dakota State Hospital speaking. Am i talking to Dean Brown?", a female voice asked firmly.

„Yes ….", Dean hesitated a for a moment, His first thought went to _Bobby_, then _Rufus_ ...

„That's fantastic", her voice sounded nearly relieved, before she moved on: „Is there any chance in the world, that you know a man called _Sam Young_?"

_Sam …..._

Dean hesitated for a second. „Yes, i _know_ Sam.", he replied tired. His head was still far away from being awake. „It's been a while since we had contact. Why? Is something wrong?"

It crushed into him. _State Hospital …... Sam Young …... one of his brothers fake IDs ..._

Yeah it's been a while since they spoke the last time. Actually it's been a pretty long while. About nine weeks now, since Dean grabbed all his stuff, took off and left Sam back there at the motel.

„Can i ask you in what relationship you both are?", the woman asked, breaking thru Deans memories. This time she sounded more aware and careful.

Dean paused breathing for a second _…. i am his Brother …. _

„He's my brother", he answered referring to his mind. Dean himself couldn't believe how unemotionally his words came over his lips. …... _and if he haven't got hit by a bus, or is in serious danger it's his turn to deal with whatever he actually had to deal with ….he wasn't his responsibility anymore, __**that**__ was the deal. _

A sighed „_Oh_" came back from the other line and it seemed like the girl didn't know what to say first. She seemed to think for a moment.

„Does he have any _family_ either? _Mother, Father_?", she got on asking. „We would need to know a contact-person, someone who's _responsible_ for him?"

Ammm ….. „No, no we haven't. _Why_?" Deans stomach turned upside down. Nausea put her disturbing grip on him and won't let go. The way the girl asked about their family, about _conatctpersons_ …...

…. _No_ …..

„_I am_ responsible for him", as the words left his lips the knot in his throat tightened. „What happened?" _…... responsible …. at least he still was it in some kind of way …._

„I can't tell you what happened.", she said immediately. „You might should get here and talk to one of the doctors first. I'm not allowed to …..," Her voice sounded a little bit desperate, and full of compassion.

„Could you _please_ tell me what's going on?" Deans voice started to sound angry, though he didn't want to. „I'm not driving a hundred miles just because of a broken rip or limb. If it's something he can deal with on his own, you can tell him i won't come." Yeah, Dean was still full of anger about Sam. Full of wrath about his brother and himself. Though he felt _empty_, _hollow_ deep inside.

He thought it was clear. The last time they spoke: _Cutting out each other of their Lifes for good._

„I'm sorry Sir", she paused, „i didn't want to upset you … but what i can say is, that it's not just a _broken bone _he's dealing with. - i am one of the nurses that take care of your brother." she paused again with a deep sigh. „I am not allowed to give you any kind of information before you haven't talked to a doctor. But what i can say is, that it would be better, if your brother would have someone familiar around him right now." Her voice growing more and more sorrowful, as she ended her speech. „it took us the past seven days to even get a lead on someone who could know him. And if we wouldn't have found your_ Calling Card in his Jeans_, we wouldn't even know that there's someone who knows him." _…... who cares about him eventually ..._

Deans mind struggled with all the information at the moment. _Calling card? _They both approved to get rid of everything that may could've connected them to each other._ Everyone going his own way._ Dealing on their own with their hunts until the situation settled, until this whole Michael versus Lucifer thing was over.

_What could that boy possibly have done, to get in another amazingly awful situation, like it sounded to be? _

„Sir?", the girl asked hesitating, „Maybe there's someone else who's responsible besides you? Aunt, Uncle? Any other siblings?"

_It had to be pretty bad, if Sam wasn't able to give them Bobbys number … Or even talk about it to the stuff in the hospital. Probably his little brother was badly injured. _

A big stone filled his stomach when he came to this conclusion. Though they had this fight and **yes** Dean was damn angry about it and the apologies all the time, he had to hear from Sam.

„No, it's fine. It's OK. He's my responsibility. - So can you tell me anything about his status? Is there anything you are allowed to tell me for starters?", he asked worried _… most of his anger gone._

_Sam was his brother non the less …..._

„I'm sorry sir. I can't. It's better to talk to his doc when you come over.", she said, even more sorrow in her voice.

It felt like Sam was _dying_, and they just called, so he wouldn't have to_ die alone_.

„What is this supposed to mean?" Dean asked eagerly. „Are you trying to tell me that he's _dying_?"

Silence for a couple of seconds that felt like eternity. The Girl cleared her throat. „No, he's not dying" _…... but …..._

Dean heard the „_but_" from miles away. And some kind of „_it's worse than dying_" ….

„I am not allowed to give you any information about your brothers status, until you confirmed that you're his brother and a doctor talked to you." she sounded apologizing to him.

Dean nodded._ It had to be serious … if Sam wasn't able to take care of this kind of belongings … it had to be damn serious … _

„It'll take a couple of hours. I'm in the middle of nowhere." Dean sounded almost calm, swallowing the raising feeling of uneasiness down.

„Take your time", the nurse said quiet, „no need to see you here as a patient instead of a visitor."

Dean hang up. He stared on the Phone. _He should come over_ and his _brother needed someone familiar_ and _ no hurry_, he should „_take his time_", all this pieced didn't fit together well.

But it obviously was serious enough to look for anyone who knows Sam? Serious enough, that someone familiar should be around him right now?

_What the hell happened? _What took them so long? Sam would've phoned him, wouldn't he? On the other hand, Dean told him that it was better if they _stay away from each other for good_. To _split up_, everyone making their _own ways_, _without looking back_.

Dean bit his lower lip before he started the engine and hit the Road again.

Direction: _North Dakota, State Hospital._

**_ok, i have NO IDEA how to make this notes by autors: the only thing i wanted to mention: english isn't my main language & it's actually my first fanfic EVER ... so i'm up for any kind of review/critic as long as it's respectful ... :) let me know if you enjoy & about any kind of grammatical failures. i've let it run thru a english correction tool ... but i'm not shure if it worked out well. :(_**


	2. Chapter 2 Reality

**hey ladies & gents! :D **

**so this is it ~ CHAPTER 2 ~ leave comments/reviews/respectful concerns & critic**

**CHAPTER 2 ~ REALITY**

He was thinking about a lot during the long drive. _WHAT_ happened, and _HOW_? Was his brother even _aware_ of it, that the hospital called him? …_ probably he couldn't, wasn't able to. _

_They found Dean Browns visit card in his jeans …..._

_at least he wasn't gonna die …... _

Dean didn't know what to think about it … Dean didn't know how to _FEEL _about it … What Sam will say, when he comes by … What to say to his little brother when the meet after this fight …

Actually it had been a pretty stupid fight. Yeah it was the Apocalypse. _Dean started, what Sam finished_ … **finally** … and a couple of hours before his brother had killed Lilith, it would've made him proud that he did so …_ damn freaking angels …...damn demons ….. _

He and his brother where just puppets in this whole breaking-the-seals-thing … the angels never had any intentions to stop the apocalypse. _They wanted_ it to happen._ They wanted_ the world to burn, because it was her _destiny_ …

Dean wasn't that good at talking (_ever_). And this fight had proved it. Sam did nothing but apologizing for everything. _Sorry_ for being the geek, sorry for snoring, _sorry_ for getting up early in the morning, _sorry_ for using all the hot water from the boiler, _sorry_ that he went with Ruby, _sorry_, that he killed Lilith, _sorry_ that he wasn't able to get dean out of hell, _sorry_ for letting him down _and pretty much sorry for everything._

Dean just wanted him to **stop**. _Stopping_ him from apologizing what was pretty much their both fault. _Stopping_ him from talking, _Stopping_ him from being around all the time and trying to talk to him about anything else._

Dean hurried to enter the hospital and getting up the stairs, onto the fourth floor. His first way was to the nurses base. His lungs burned … he slowly but surely was getting too old for this shit.

„Dean Brown?", a voice behind him rose.

„Yeah?", he replied sucking in a deep breath and turning around.

A young woman stood there, wearing a nurses uniform. _Nancy Summers_ was written on her Batch. She looked at him with big brown eyes, hopeful and friendly.

„Good that you're here. I told Doc Roberts that we found a _relative_. I'm gonna page him if you're ready?" The nurse seemed to be in a hurry with it.

_as ready as he ever could be …..._

„And you're the nurse i was talking to, Nancy, right?", he asked with his most charming smile, hoping to get some more information out of her, since he wasn't the patient type.

She nodded and went onto the base and moved over to the phone, entering the pager-number. „He's gonna be here in at least 30 Minutes. He said he will, as soon as you arrive."

Dean nodded. „So, in the meantime you could tell me where Sams room is." He looked questioning, glazing over the nurses face.

Nancys eyes narrowed the floor, before she looking up, unable to look into Deans deep green eyes.

„I think it's better if you wait for the Doctor.", she said calming. „There are just a few people of the stuff who go in there."

The hairs in Deans neck raised, his Heart set out for a moment. _Was it this bad? „ …... who go in THERE" …._

„You included?", Dean questioned frowning.

Nancy nodded. „Me, Dylan and Doc Roberts", she answered, still not looking into Deans big green eyes.

_Something had to be horribly wrong. What the hell could've happened the past 9 weeks?_

„Since when is he in here?", Dean asked, desperately looking for any kind of information.

Nancy looked up. „_Nine Days._ - we're glad that we found someone he belongs to. We thought that Dean Brown had to be at least a good friend of him, since he was screaming your name at the beginning."

_screaming? His name? At the beginning? What the hell? Did his brother lose his mind? _

A short while after a long stabbing silence between them both, Doc Roberts showed up and went with Dean in his office, telling Nancy to wait there for their return.

Dean took a seat towards the doctor. Doc Roberts studied the hunter for a short while, before he started to talk: „So you are Sam Youngs _Brother_?" he gritted his teeth. „can you prove it though?"

Dean raised his right eyebrow and leaned forward. „If i wouldn't be his brother, i wouldn't be here" he said before he clapped his personal ID of Dean Brown on the doctors table. „We're half-brothers.", he added, reminding that they had a different ID of Sam.

Doc Roberts took a long look onto the Batch before he glazed back at the older Winchester.

„I wanted to talk to you before you see your brother ...", he started. „Did he ever had any issues?", he asked frowning, watch Dean for any suspicious reaction.

„What do you mean _issues_?", he asked back. …... _except the demon blood, starting the AfreakingPocalypse …._

The pit in his stomach growing with every second.

„He never had any issues. Not Physical, no Psychical.", answering the question.

The Doc nodded and pressed his lips together. „Your Brother was brought to us nine days ago. The Paramedic team had to sedate him, to get him even here." he paused again.

„_Sedate_? Why? What the hell happened?" Dean started to get furious.

„We don't know it for sure. - The Police had a lead on a couple of men. Who were wanted for several murders all over the united states.", he began slowly. „When they came to take them, the police discovered your brother in the basement. _Cuffed, bloody and bruised_." He took a deep breath and showed signs of disgust on his face. Then he shook his head in sorrow.

Deans jaw dropped in disbelieve and his eyes widened. His face went pale by the second. For a moment he didn't believe, that they were talking about_ his brother …_

„i want to see him", dean said and was on his way to get up from the chair.

Doc Roberts raised his left hand, to stop the Winchester. „I don't know if this is a good idea. I am not even sure if he will recognize you … he's afraid of _everyone_ and _everything_. That's why there are just a couple of people who are allowed to come near your brother without freaking the hell out of him." he paused again, looking at the patients brother. „How much time passes since you've got the last contact with Sam?"

„About nine weeks", Dean answered lip biting. He didn't mention the fight, since he thought this might lessen the chance to see his little brother.

„and how was your _relationship_ to him?", the Doc got on asking, the older Winchester checking, as he wanted to look thru a wall into his soul.

„We are _brothers_, OK? We were _close_. _Always_. I _rose_ him, while our father was on the road, i changed his diapers, and he was with me, when he made_ his first steps_. Are we clear?" Deans Voice rose with every word. „he is MY RESPONSIBILITY. I. WANT. TO. _SEE. HIM. NOW_"

Doc Roberts lifted both of his eyebrows and nodded. For a moment he sat in his leather chair, as he was looking straight into a bears open mouth with dangerous fangs.

„I just wanted to make sure, that it won't upset him more as he already is.", he tried to explain hesitating. „it probably takes some time until he recognizes you." …... _IF he recognizes you._

Dean nodded. „Can we go now?", he asked impatiently.

„I'll send Nancy with you. I think she's got the best connections to your brother.", the Doc said slightly smiling, when they left his office. „I think she's the only one who's allowed to touch him."

Dean closed his eyes for a second, frowning, unknowing what he'll become to see.

The Nurse was already waiting in front of a door with the number _57_ on it, full of hope in her eyes.

„If he doesn't recognize you ...", the Doctor reminded Dean again, „... just give him all the time he needs and _don't push._"

Dean looked into the bright gray orbs of him. Trying to figure out what he saw. Disgust? _Sorrow_? Hope? It had to be a mixture of a lot of a lot of feelings.

„It's dark in there. We've just a small light installed, since his eyes probably have to get used to daylight again.", the nurse warned him, when she slowly opened the door.

„Sam?", she asked quietly and waited a moment before she opened the door a little bit more. „i am coming in now. And i have something for you." Her light voice and the way she was talking, it made Dean all warm around his Heart.

She reached back and grabbed Deans hand softly, pulling him gently with her into the room and closing the door again behind them.

„it's _OK_, Sam.", she said gentle. „i found _your brother_, hon."

Dean looked around. The Bed was empty and seemed untouched. And the small light in the right corner opposite of the door wasn't very bright. It didn't even reach out to lighten half the room.

The blinds were down, not even letting a little bit of the sinking sun in. The Nurse let go of Deans hand and showed with her finger in the left corner of the room.

„His favorite place is there.", she told him whispering.

Dean strained his eyes until he was able to figure something out in the corner. Something moved a little bit. At least he thought he saw something move. First he didn't know what to say, what to do. If they truly were talking about _his brother_, something was horribly wrong. _Terribly wrong._ _This had to be a mistake. _

A silent sobbing voice filled the room, as Dean started to move slowly to the corner. „Sam?", he asked hesitating.

How bad he wanted to call his little Brother „_Sammy_" … but he remembered their fight, the things both of them said to each other. He just couldn't call him _Sammy_ right now.

„Sam, is this you?", he asked again and stopped about a yard in front of the dark corner, kneeling down and reaching his hand towards the darkness.

„C'mon man. Say something." Dean had desperation in his voice, after he didn't get an answer. „_Please_."

„He haven't talked yet. At least not since he's here. His CT is ok so far, but we still don't know why ….", she stopped and seem to hesitated for a couple of seconds, … „it's probably just taking time. _The Trauma you know? No one_ knows for how long he was locked down in the basement and what exactly they have done to your brother. Expect the bruises and wounds … and the oldest fracture lays about _seven weeks_ in the past."

Deans throat tightened, trying to ignore what Nancy told him, for the moment, just concentrating on this brother.

„_Sammy_?", he asked gently and narrowed the corner a little bit, towards the hiding structure in the dark. „It's ok, it's me."

The older Winchester recognized a slight movement and something reaching out of the darkness. A big hand appeared in the fainted light, reaching for Deans. It was just a smooth touch of fingertips to fingertips, before the hand pulled back.

„Sammy … _what the hell._" Dean frowned, he felt his throat tighten and swallowed hard. He felt Tears in his eyes growing. A giant stone in his stomach

…_... this was Sams hand _


	3. Chapter 3 Silence

_well, there we go ^^ I've let it run thru my english-correction-tool … but I'm still not sure that it works out well. _

_Reviews & comments are like pie for dean_

_so don't hesitate ~ let me know what you think about it. _

_blah blah blah blah … there we go:_

**CHAPTER 3 ~ SILENCE**

Dean got a room in some no-name-motel near the hospital, to be his brother as near as possible.

_Anger_ rose in him. Different anger, not the one he felt, when he was thinking about his little brother before. Anger about what had _happened_ to him, and how he even could've thought this could end well for both of them.. _They were never stronger when they were separated. _

Dean had called Bobby after leaving the hospital and getting the motel-room. He had talked to him for a long while. Well, it was more like listening at some point. Bobby wasn't didn't sound mad. More caring, as their dad probably ever would have sounded. He said that he'll get there in a couple of hours, including some informations about the guys who had captured Sam.

So Dean had booked a Room with two beds instead of one. (and actually inspected the room before renting, just to be sure Bobby wouldn't have any issues with his wheelchair later).

He haven't done this since he and Sam had splitted. Now it felt like, that it was even too late to apologize. _To late for everything. _

Bobby told Dean that he'll find out some stuff from the police about the guys who captured and _tortured_ his little brother. Sam was obviously _alone_ in the building, when the police squad entered it. This was the only information the older hunter had so far, about Sams experiences.

_TORTURED_ …... how the hell could they both have been that stupid? _How could they ever think splitting up was the best solution? _

An indescribable pain rushed thru Deans chest. It felt like his heart was tearing apart and breaking into millions of pieces. There was just the feeling of Sams soft fingertips meeting his for not more than a second …. The sobbing broken voice of his brother holding on in his mind.

….. nothing else he could've thought about now …..

Dean was used to drink. Wiskey, Bourbon, whatever made his pain go away. But this time he wasn't able to. He _knew_, this kind of pain wouldn't go away. Not even if he killed both bottles of the cheep whiskey he carried in his duffel-bag.

Whatever happened in the past. Sam didn't deserve to be torn apart, he didn't deserve to be beaten up. If someone would've deserved to be tortured, it had to be him. Dean. He had let it happen. He was the one who trusted this _bag of dicks_. He trusted Cas.

….. _he felt like it was all his fault now_ ….. and though he knew he wasn't. It wouldn't help his brother, if he would try to wash his pain away with some alcohol. It wouldn't make anyone feel better right now. Just the fact, that he would be asleep tomorrow and getting rid of his drunkenness instead of visiting his brother.

But it was Sam with the demon blood. It was Sam who broke the last seal. It was Sam who apologized more then once for it, taking all the fault on his shoulders, and wrapping himself up in it.

…... _pathetic_ …..

_STOP_

Dean felt _sorry_ for the things he said to his little brother back at the motel. Deep down he probably didn't even mean it … "You're a _monster"_, some _THING _he was used to kill, that he didn't know him anymore, that a part of Dean wanted his brother _dead_, that he was sorry for saving his _sorry little ass_ all the time, and much more. Dean couldn't remember everything he said, but he knew there was something worse he told him … _"i wish you'd be dead instead of mum"_

He still was able to see Sams hurt look, the broken Heart of his little Brother if it has been yesterday. He felt so _sorry_ for all the horrible things he had said to him in his anger.

_**SORRY**_ … no,_ sorry _didn't cut it this time … this feeling deep down in his guts, _tearing him apart_, _torturing_ him for every single word, that left his mouth weeks ago, since he entered Sams room.

Now it was probably_ too late for everything_. He wasn't able to undo it. He wasn't able to turn back time. But there was one thing he was able to do: _Helping his little brother to get thru it …..._

The way the doctor explained Sams state of mind to him was depressing. He said that his little brother was most the time out of it. Somewhere else deep in his mind, buried under all the things that had happened. _Trauma_

When he was ready for it …... and _IF_ he was ready for it, he would probably leave it behind … _IF_ … he said no one could know _if_ it would ever get better. Probably now, since Dean was here, there was a reason for staying in this world, that was called reality … _MAYBE_ … but even though it would take a lot of time to heal. Leaving the _darkness_ behind.

The other Thing that Dean troubled a little bit was, that Doc Richards wanted to move Sam to another station, a _special ward_ in the hospital AKA _psychiatric floor. _

The _positive_ message was_, _that his little brothers injuries healed well and that they would need the room sooner or later for someone else.

Dean let out a deep sigh, when he turned on the shower, leaning against the cold tiles, burning away the past couple of hours since the hospital called him.

~SPN~SPN~SPN~

The older Winchester sat there on the floor towards the dark corner, where uneasy sobs came from. Whimpering sounds, nearly _begging_ for whatever.

The Doctor told him, that Sam was barely eating, nor drinking since he was in the hospital. And Sam wasn't able to eat anything before he got brought in. Doc. Richards wasn't very specific why he knew it, but he knew it. So, Dean had to believe him in this. Further the side-effects of the sedatives probably didn't help either. The Doctor told Dean that they needed them for changing the Bandages, and for cleaning him up. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to come near him, except Nancy was there.

„_Sammy_, it's ok.", he said at least the thousandth time since he sat there and staring into the _darkness_. It still felt a little bit wrong to call his little brother that way, after all that happened, after all the „_not being around_". It felt like Dean didn't deserve it anymore to call him like he used to do.

Wouldn't there have been the sobbing and whimpering, he would've thought he's alone in the room.

„Bobby is getting us Bacon-Cheese-Burgers and Fries, Coke and Ice Tea for you tiger. Beer for me." Deans voice sounded calm and gentle. „what do you think, Sam?"

Something shifted in the darkness of the corner, the sobbing got quieter, and Dean reached with his open Hand into Sams direction.

„Don't you wanna come here, _Sammy_?", the older Winchester whispered with a soft smile, desperation in his eyes. „Just for a while?" Dean dared to move and a little bit closer towards the corner. „i would like to _see_ you, kiddo."

The movement in the corner stopped and he saw something appearing. It was Sams hand longing for Deans. The big Brother came a little closer, until he was nearly touching his brothers shaky hand and waited for something to happen.

He felt Sams Hand gently touching his. fingertips running over Deans fingers, his palm. It felt like Sam was looking for any proof that there was truly someone else in the room, across of him. His little Brother moved again, this time his whole body. It seemed like he longed for leaving the dark corner of the room towards his big brother. The hand slowly made her way over Deans Arm, Shoulder and to his neck and throat.

Dean didn't care about the tickling feeling, when Sam made his way over the older Winchesters clothes. He just sat there, starring at the figure, that had decided to leave the darkness.

Sams Arm was patched up a lot, his fingers looked bruised in the fading light. Dark stains on the Batches on his little brothers wrist, causing a worried look on Deans face.

The second thing that he saw, was his brothers Hair. Sam obviously didn't dare to look up, catch a glimpse of the man he was crawling towards and discovering with his fingers. His Hair hang into his face, covered at least is eyes completely.

Sams fingertips reached Deans throat, resting there for a couple of seconds, probably waiting for any sign of movement or whatever. Then he let them ran down, towards Deans chest and his little brothers movement seemed to get a little bit frantic. _…... until he got it …..._

Sams Hand stopped at a certain place on Deans chest, groping along the small hard bulb under the fabric.

…_... The Amulet …...…_

~SPN~SPN~SPN~

Dean sat there. Still on the floor, leaned into the corner on a thick blanket, arms wrapped around his little brother, who sat curled up between Deans legs. His Side and Head pressed against his big brothers chest, listening to his calm and steady Heartbeat.

… _thumb … thumb … thumb …_

Dean didn't dare to move. He didn't even dare to take in a deep breath, since he noticed that Sam must have been fallen asleep in his arms some time ago …_ or at least stopped shivering and shaking._ Still a former grip around _the Amulet _under Deans shirt, holding the thin fabric wrapped in his fist.

He didn't know how long they sat there, and it didn't really matter. Though it felt right, like Dean was back on Track. Back where he belonged. _He and his pain-in-the-ass-little-brother against the world …_ how it was meant to be.

The older sibling listened up, as he heard the knob of the door creak and threw his glimpse over where it came from, to see a small figure entering and closing it again.

„Sam?" It was Nancy with a tablet in her hands. „Dean?" she seemed to hesitate for a moment. „Is everything ok?"

Deans glaze fell down on his little brother for a moment.

„Yeah, everything is fine"_ …. as fine as it could be …._ his mind added.

„Sam's asleep?", she asked quiet kneeling down to put the tablet, with something that looked like two paper-bags, on the floor in front of the dark corner.

„Yeah, he is.", Dean answered with lower voice. „Can we get some more light?"

Dean knew why it was dark in the room. The doctor had explained it and mentioned it at least two times before he first entered the room with Nancy by his side. But he thought that it was about time to get more daylight into the room, to accustom Sam a little bit more to day and night. AND they would also see what they were eating ….

Nancy nodded, unrecognized by the older Winchester and got back up on her feet, turning towards the window. She raised the blinds a little bit. Now even the dark corner didn't seem that dark anymore and Deans look fell on two paper-bags on the floor in front of them.

„Bobby?", he asked, concerned that he would wake his brother if he raised his voice just a little bit more.

Nancy nodded and went over to the bed, grabbing one of the blankets and putting them over the two men on the floor.

Dean nodded thankfully, and wrapped the blanket around his brother and himself. His brother skin felt a little bit cold, with just the thin shirt from the hospital and the pants on. He was asking himself, if there was any chance in the world of getting his little brother back ….

With this thought Dean drifted off to sleep. _Hoping, Praying, Begging _

_~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~_

A tight grip to his chest and a soft pulling on his necklace woke the older Winchester gently. He took a deep breath and ran his hand over his brothers hair, whose head was still resting on his chest. Sam seemed awake now. At least the silent mumbling told him so.

„I_t's ok, kiddo_." Dean stroke gentle over his brothers head. „you're not alone." he wasn't sure if he wanted to sooth his little brother or himself with these words.

The grip on his amulet tightened a little bit. It felt like it was _the one thing_ his brother was holding on.

„You're hungry?" Deans look fell on the paper bags …..._ probably cold already_ …... but damn it, Dean was starving after all.

Sam didn't respond, neither did Dean await a respond anyway. „I guess that's a yes?", he asked, and moved his stiff body a little bit.

His little brother tightened his grip on his shirt and pressed himself harder against his big brothers torso. The older Winchester hesitated for a moment.

„C'mon, little brother." Dean shoved Sam a little bit away and tried to reach the paper bags, but they were too far away. „Hey, Sammy, just let me go for a minute, OK?" Dean heard a little bit of impatience in his own voice. „Sam?"

He had to remind himself, that his brother probably didn't even understand what he was talking about ….. A deep sigh left Deans lips in sorrow. The more Dean tried to get away from him, the more anxious Sam seemed to become.

Against Deans awaiting, Sam let go unexpectedly, and moved aside. Closed up to the wall and leaning against it. Rocking back and forth, mumbling louder. Still, Dean didn't understand even a single word, though he tried.

It was _hurting like hell_, watching Sam acting that way. To see him like this. _Torn and broken_, like a beaten up dog, left alone in a pit full of darkness and agony.

He just knew, there'd be no way he would let his _little brother_ get transfered to the psychiatric floor. leafing him _ALONE _…. _No Way _…... he would take him home …..._HOME... _they wouldn't be able to help him here. _DEAN_ wouldn't be able to help him, when he stayed here.

He had to talk about it to the doctor and Bobby. Because _Bobbys house_ was probably the only building in their lives, that came near something that's called _home_.

The impala wasn't a home where he could take care about Sam until he was the old one again. Not even a motel-room would do it …. they needed a _house_ …. a _roof_ over their heads for longer than a couple of days. Maybe for even longer … _a lifetime_ …

Dean grabbed the paper bags and opened them. The smell of cold bacon cheese burgers and french fries filled the air. He thought about a second to call for the nurse. They might would've heated their meal up. But Dean didn't wanted to go away, though it wouldn't have been that far. _At least not right now._ If he moved away _now_, Sam maybe wouldn't let him come near again for some time. Yes, Dean was afraid of it. Afraid to scare his little brother, when he'd leave him _again_. Though he knew at some point he had to leave him at least for a couple of minutes from time to time. …... _but not now _...

Dean grabbed into the paper-bag and unpacked one of the burgers. „There we go kiddo"

he held it towards Sam and waited. His brother didn't even look up. „_Sammy_?", he asked gentle, „i know it's not what you usually eat ..." ….._ thought you wouldn't care about it though_ ….

Dean placed the burger towards Sams feet and got his own. It was far away from heaven to eat a cold bacon cheese burger, but he honestly didn't care. Dean was starving already.

It took some time before Sam raised his eyes over his knees and some more time until he reached out of the meal. He carefully run his fingers over the burger, like he could burn himself with it, until he finally took it. Sam stripped that thing slowly. Eating one small piece after another.

Dean put on a light smile and placed one of the packs with the french fries in front of Sams feet.

When Dean was done eating he just sat there, still on his place in the corner and watched his little brother, move for move. Shaky Hands stripping the food into small pieces, fearful hazel-eyes glazing over to his big brother, when he reached out for the french fries, asking if he was allowed to take them.

…_... at least he ate …... and was drinking ….._

Dean got the beer bottle and twisted it open. At the same time as the sharp noise of the inhaling bottle echoed, Sam dropped the pack with fries and curled himself up as small as he was able to. His big brother flinched at the sudden movement of his brother.

„It's _ok_, it was just me." Dean sat his hand on Sams knee and watched him. „Just me, _Sammy_. Go on eating, kiddo."

As if Sam had understood, he looked up, and seemed to relax a little bit. Though he wasn't eating anymore. Just watching his big brother finishing off the beer.

The older Sibling raised himself from the floor. Stretching his whole body with a deep moan. He definitely spent too much time on the floor.

„I think we need some more light in here.", he said to himself and went to the window, lifting the blinds a little bit more. Watching out for his brothers reaction.

Dean had no clue how late it was, either what day. It all seemed relative and blurry at the moment. _Like all of this was just a bad dream or something …..._

_~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~_

"Boys?" Nancy stood by the bed and watched the sleeping brothers on the floor.

Sam curled up on his side, next to his big brother.

"Boys?", she tried again, this time a little bit louder.

Nancy had placed fresh towels, dressing materials, and fresh clothes for the younger Winchester on the bed, prepared for some action.

Dean groaned huskily and his lids flattered open. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't laying in a bed. It took him even longer to realize that he was on the floor, next to his brother, and a couple of seconds more that he was in a hospital room. _…... no, it wasn't a dream …..._

"Yeah?", he moaned.

"I'm sorry, but I need to get your brother cleaned up and his bandages changed.", she said with a sad smile on her face. "Dylan will be here in a few minutes to help me with it. - You can pic up some coffee in the meantime or visit the cafeteria downstairs, won't you?" She looked hopefully at the older Winchester.

Dean hesitated for a moment and his gaze fell on his brother, obviously still asleep. He didn't want to leave him alone_ …...not again...not like this …..._

"Will it hurt him?", he was pretty concerned. Dean couldn't imagine, that they would be able to change the bandages without giving his brother some hell …... no matter in what way.

Nancy pressed her lips together and stared at the older Winchester. "We will need to sedate him. - But I honestly don't want you to watch." She was right, to be honest to Dean. He would give them at least the same hell they were going to give Sam, when they would try and lie to him.

"Well, then I guess I'll patch him up by myself." …... Dean knew it wouldn't be that easy at all, but he had to try it …... _at least _…... "And if there's anything that concerns me, I'll let you know." …. _it wouldn't be that easy for sure …..._

"I'm sorry, but I can't. At least one of us has to be with you …. just in case." Nancy stood there, her eyebrows raised. "He could hurt himself.", she added, after Dean only looked at her and stabbed her in his mind. "_He could hurt you._", she added softly.

Dean smiled in disbelieve.

"I just want to get across it … _as fast as possible_ … and as long as he's asleep and we're able to sedate him before he even wakes up. It's much easier for him and for us then." Nancy seemed pretty convinced about her words.

"No." Deans Eyes went darkside and he started to get up from the floor. "_I _will clean him up. AND _I_ will change his bandages. - _WHEN_, and only _WHEN_ he's awake. If you want, you can watch, but you will not lay a hand on him. Nor give him any sedative. _ARE. WE. CLEAR?_" Deans eyes flickered dangerously.

Nancy stared at him for a moment. "As you want … but don't say I haven't told you."

There he was now. Dean Winchester and no clue _how_ to get his broken brother into the shower. Better said: _How_ to convince him to get into the bathroom with him. He was thinking a while about it, playing thru some scenarios, but all of them didn't develop the way he wanted to.

The older Winchester kneeled beside his still sleeping brother and brushed gentle over his shoulder.

"_Sammy_?", he asked hesitating. "come on. Wake up, little brother. _We got work to do_."


	4. Chapter 4 Darkness

**WARNINGS: **_I think now it's getting time for them … it's probably kinda "dark". mentioning of torture. _

_I hope you'll like it & enjoy the ride on the winchester highway._

_reviews are always welcome & i'm sorry for spelling or gramatical mistakes. English isn't my first language, and this is my first fanfic. (let it run thru a corrector tool, but still don't think it doesn't work out.)_

_so let me know what you think about it ^^ PLEASE_

_it's chocolate for my soul :D & pie for dean & peanutbutter-banana-sandwiches for sam_

**Chapter 4 ~ Darkness**

The darkness was the most welcome sensation between all the pain and loss he felt deep inside. All the bad feelings within weren't that worse, when his mind got covered in the dark mist of sleep and unconsciousness. He felt _save_. Safer as he ever thought he could feel in a lifetime. Though the darkness got interrupted by horrible nightmares at some point. Non the less he appreciated the flooding feeling of his body in the darkness. It felt more comfortable than the world out there. _Safer_ than anything that could possibly happen, when he was awake and aware.

Words and single phrases traveled his mind. Sensations of pain and coldness, in a sharp contrast to a specific warmth he felt _lately_. Something that covered him, held him. It felt a little bit like a dream. Like those days … when he was little and with his brother. When wee Sammy was afraid from the dark and cuddled up with his bigger brother,_ looking for shelter_ under his sheets.

_**PAIN **_with every move he made. _Pain_ that reminded him of the black eyed men, beating the hell out of him. Pushing him further into the darkest corner of his mind. The _slicing, tearing, threats, punches_. His own _screams_, his own chocking _begging_ echoing in his ears.

Yes, the darkness after every session with this creatures was more then welcome and became some kind of _save place_ for his mind and broken body.

…_... for Dean_, he reminded himself with every hit he took.

…_... giving it all for his big brother. Holding on this life as long as possible, fighting as long as he was able to. Trying not to fall apart. Stalling time …... _at least as much as he was able to.

Even if he would've known where Dean was, he wouldn't have told them. _Ever_. He decided to take the pain, the loss and all kinds of hurt to buy him some more time, some more days or weeks. Until they decided to end it. Because Sam _knew_ his brother wouldn't come. He _knew_ Dean wouldn't show up as these creatures hoped for.

He could've easily get away. Yeah, they would've_ let him go_. They would've freed him, took him _out of his misery_. They had promised. But on the other hand ... Sam knew how demons roll. They would've killed him, and afterwards they would have went after Michaels vessel to destroy it.

…_... Staying away from each other for good._

Sam had decided to stay in the darkness, where no one could ever hurt him again. Though at some point, this demons weren't the worst who were able to give him hell. Deans words still burned in his soul, still tore at his heart like rabid hellhounds, longing to drag him downstairs straight into the fiery pit.

He knew everything he had done was wrong. All his good intentions just had made it worse. _Sorry_ didn't cut it. _Not even near_. He let his brother down. He let Bobby down. And deep down he _knew_ he let the world down. Left it behind to burn.

…_... and THIS was what he deserved …. _he knew he deserved it, more than anyone else.

At some point it felt all different. He wasn't able to tell what it was and when it started, since he had lost track of time … _but he felt different_. He felt a tender warmth, this feeling that someone or something held him tight, fondling thru his hair, ….

…_... it felt just different. _

At some point he had the feeling that his _brother_ was there with him. Calling him "_Sammy_", reaching for him. And Sam gave in. He longed for nothing more as being _back on the road_ with his big brother. And though he _knew_ it wasn't real, it couldn't be. On the other Hand: What did he had to loose? What between heaven and hell might cost it to give in? his life?

He just had to follow the smell of whiskey and impala. Giving in and find some comfort in the thought that his brother was with him …..._ forgiving him_ ….

It also occurred to Sam, that he probably was _dead_ already. But then he felt his breath_,_ his own _heartbeat_, _shades in the darkness_, when he opened his eyes. For some time he thought, he heard someone else heart beat too … a warm presence by his side, making him feel _save_ … but he _knew_, it wasn't possible. He was _alone_ … _all on his own …._

They wouldn't let him die. _Not that easy …..._ they cut his sewed up mouth open …_ they wouldn't let him starve _. the worse for Sam was, that they ended with his torture … because that meant they found _him_ … found _Dean_ ….

Just a couple of uneasy sensations that he couldn't clarify, and didn't really cause that amount of pain he was used to …... he wanted it to end, but he didn't dared to beg for it. He just couldn't … they would go after the Archangels vessel … they would go after _Dean_ … This time Sam had to do the right thing …

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Dean did his best to get Sams attention, but whatever he said, whatever he tried, it didn't work. Apparently there was just one option left. Carrying his little brother into the bathroom. However he would make it work, it had to. The older Winchester didn't want to give up, just because of a few less yards.

Of course … Sam was a giant man and not the lightest one. But he had to try.

"Damn it, Sam." Dean cursed along until he had managed to get the dead weight of his brother on his Arms.

Nancy turned on the light in the bathroom and held the door open.

The older Sibling grunted under Sams weight, his Back started to hurt after the first two steps, his muscles tensed and started to hurt already after they even passed half the way to the bathroom.

"I'd need some help of yours.", Dean gasped out, when he entered the wet cell.

Letting his Brother down on his feet and let him sink down into his fetal position, after positioning him in the corner that had to be the shower. Dean stretched his body and held his Back for a few seconds, taking deep breaths and giving Nancy an exhausted short gaze.

"seems like you have everything under control?", Nancy said with a "i told you so" smirk on her lips.

Dean nodded, still trying to catch his breath. "_i got him_", he managed to say.

"I'm waiting outside. If you need something just call, and I'm here.", she said and closed the bathroom door.

This was the first time that the older Winchester saw his little brother. The bright light in the bathroom showed him every bandage, every bruise on Sams body … _without remorse _

Dean kneeled down on the cold tiles, running his fingertips gently over the bandages on Sams wrists and bruised fingers. His little brother hid his face behind his knees. Curled up, trying to make himself as small as possible.

"First things first, _Sammy_", he said, and freed him from his clothes, trying not to hurt him even more. Something told him, to just cut the thin fabric of the shirt off, since his brother didn't move a little bit.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

He felt strong arms slipping gently under his knees and around his shoulders. Pulling him up. Sam didn't dare to move. Hell, he didn't even knew what was going on. He forced himself to open his eyes, but all he saw were shades. Shades of gray … and light … a light he was moving into ….

….. maybe this all was over now? … maybe this was the end? … could it really be? … did it feel like this to _die_? … or was it his brother, taking him home? Maybe he had found him, maybe he was looking for him … maybe Dean had _forgiven_ him.

_No _… it couldn't be. They had kind of promised each other not to. And again he thought he heard his name said … _Sammy_ … in a most familiar voice.

Sam just let it happen. Let himself slip down on a cold surface. Feeling warm hands gently brushing along his fingers and arm. And something that felt like someone intended to put his shirt off. _Did he even wore a shirt? _First he didn't want to. He didn't want to someone unclothe him. He didn't want to someone even touch him. But this familiar voice … it sounded so comforting and gentle. It almost felt like Dean. Like the days in the past, when Dean took care of him when he was sick. Putting him into the bathtub.

…... so Sam finally decided to let it happen. Slipping out of the thin fabric wrapped around his body.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

"That's good, Sam" Dean smiled happily. "You're doing great."

His gaze fell on older and newer bruises and wounds. Cuts, mainly cuts and some burn-marks. He also recognized that his brother had lost weight. He looked a lot thinner than when he saw him the last time. Ribs leaping out under his skin.

Dean turned away for a second. Swallowing down his tears. Winchesters don't cry. It took him a second to focus on his task again.

He knew Sam loved it to take hot steamy showers (and wasting all the hot water by the way). So he chose the water temperature like he thought his old Sam would like it, and tested it first on his toes. When his little brother didn't make any sign of inconvenience, he let it run over his brothers whole body, then he moved up to his hair.

Against all expectations, Sam started to lift his head with closed eyes, towards the shower-head. Dean held still, and let the water run over Sams face for a long time. Feeling that his brother started to completely relax his body for the first time in a long time.

"I'm sorry, kiddo, but we should wash your hair too." He sounded apologizing for turning the water off.

Sam just opened his eyes. Water dripping from his lashes. Green hazel eyes staring at Dean. Though he didn't seem to "_see_" his big brother.

After another 15 minutes they were done and Dean wrapped a couple of towels around his little sibling. Dean looked at least as exhausted as Sam did.

The younger Winchester fell asleep even before Dean had dried him up.

…_... to be continued_

_REVIEWS are CHERRYPIE for my soul ^^ _

_& the next chapter will probably last a little bit longer, since i've a lot of shifts the upcoming week._


	5. Chapter 5 Scream in the Dark

There we go with Chapter 5 :)

I hope you enjoyed the story so far …

I know that not really a lot happened , but trust me, something is going to happen SOON

special thanks to LucyMac ~ you're keeping me going, girl!

**WARNINGS:** _mentioning of torture … idk, maybe a little bit language … and it's probably a little bit dark at some point. _

_There we go:_

_**Chapter 5 ~ Screams in the Dark**_

The older Winchester let out a deep sigh, and entered the motel room. His gaze fell on Bobby who was sitting by the small table in front of Deans notebook, studying one of the police folders beside him.

Bobby shared a grateful look with Dean, and and nodded a tired _welcome boy_. He must have spent the entire time on research … and thinking … thinking where this all would lead.

"You know, you boys are always welcome in my house ...", the retired Hunter started thoughtfully. "_No matter what._"

Dean let out another deep sigh and threw his jacket over one of the chairs near the bed. "I know Bobby." he moaned. "And I'm very thankful for all you did for us so far. I really am. So lets have this talk later, ok?" Dean knew that his caring friend just wanted to show that he wasn't useless after all. "- _Right now_ I just need a shower and get back to the hospital before Sam wakes up."

Bobby cleared his throat. He wanted answers. He wanted more information how Sam was doing. This now was the first time he saw Dean for probably more than fife minutes since he had arrived.

The retired hunter gazed at his (_adopted_) son.

"You're not recounting a lot about what's going on in there." The older man seemed as he wanted to get a feeling for Deans state of mind. "What does Sam say? Is there any lead? Did he tell you anything about the men?"

All Dean had told him on the phone was, that Sam got tortured and that his body was a mess … and hat he didn't know for sure, how his little brother managed the situation and how he should deal with the upcoming task of his. _This was yesterday_ …. _Today he knew he would manage this task, no matter what, and that he would take care of his little brother as good as he possibly could. _

Dean let himself down on the bed and looked at the older man for quite a time. Then he rubbed over his reddish eyes with both hands.

"He's not talking, Bobby." Dean seemed disappointed; _desperate_. "He haven't said a word yet. Sam doesn't even look at me." The Winchester buried his face in his palms. "I don't even know if he knows that I'm there and _who I am_." Another longer break before he continued: "Sam is far away at the moment, Bobby, and I'm not sure if we'll be able to fix this. _Not this time_."

Bobby didn't say anything. He just sat there and frowned, as he was waiting for something _more_. Dean wasn't the one who liked to talk about feelings and all this stuff. He grew up as the tough big brother he was. Ignoring feelings, swallowing them down, until he couldn't take it anymore. At this point it didn't matter anymore who and why came him into the way. He beat the shit out of the one who'd cross his way in this moment. _Verbally_ or _physically_.

"Fuck." It sounded desperate; sounded like watering eyes. Dean sobbed. "_Broken_."

"You can't break a Winchester that easy, Dean. You know that." Bobby shut the file in front of him. Obviously trying to be as careful with choosing words as possible.

"You haven't seen him.", Dean countered quietly.

"But I _will_. Tomorrow, when we take him home _I will_. And we _will_ take care of this, patching him up. And _we'll_ give him time. Time to adjust and heal." Bobby sounded pretty certain about it. As he would knew they could glue Sam together again. "You'll see. He just needs some time."

Dean nodded. He was_ exhausted, troubled, tired_. His whole body _hurt_. His heart tore with every beat ….

Then he looked up. "I talked to Doctor Richards today. He didn't sound very enthusiastic about taking Sam home. I think he wants to keep him in there for longer." The older Winchester bit his lower lip. "He said Sam could suffer a massive breakdown, when we change his surroundings this drastic. He said we will have to sedate him for the transport." The older sibling swallowed down another sob. "Bobby, you haven't seen him. He's a mess. Everywhere he's sitting … he just curls up. He's not even walking. - He doesn't seem to understand what I'm saying." Deans eyes filled with tears again and he swallowed down hard. "I left him behind and I thought it'll all go well. _Cutting each other out of the others life_ doesn't work so well." He took a break to brush his one single tear away. "I'm not sure if I can do this, Bobby. Not after all that has been said … even if he doesn't remember ... _I do_."

"You think he remembers the fight?" Bobby turned around in his wheelchair, to get a better look at Dean, and frowned.

Dean shrug his shoulders. "No." He wasn't sure, but he was convinced if Sam would remember, he wouldn't come near his bigger brother like this._ Not if he recognized him._ So he was glad. _Glad_ about the possibility that Sam didn't remember. He would be _glad_, if Sam would've forgotten about the whole past year at all.

"Then you should leave it that way. And maybe when he's up on his feet again ..." Bobby hesitated.

"Then what?", Dean asked sniffing. "I said horrible things, Bobby. - Nothing someone should say to his brother. I said I wish he was _dead_. I said I wish I wouldn't have saved his ass a million times. I told him, that I can't be around him anymore and I left. I left him back there, Bobby. I _knew_ I must have hurt him, _I gave him hell_. I was so mad at him. _I was mad at myself_. And he just sat there and said he's _SORRY_ for everything. _Everything_. And I … I just told him that he should put his "_sorry_" where the sun don't shine, and that's all_ a little to late_."

Then silence … depressing silence between both of them.

"I think you should just life one day after another. When this topic should come up you both will handle it. But right now something else is important, boy.", Bobby reminded him with a slight smile. "Wanna know what I found out so far?"

Changing the topic was probably the best thing at this point.

Dean shook his head.

"Well, boy. - The fingerprints these guys left behind … actually fife different … two of them went missing in the late 50s and actually one of them about 2 months ago." Bobby nodded. "Demon possession?", the younger Hunter guessed, his eyes formed to small slits. "You think Demons did this to him?"

"Yes. I think it is." Bobby nodded again. "The question is WHY. Who of them would dare to hurt and torture Lucifers Vessel?" The older man licked over his lip. "Who of them would be that stupid?" … "and why the hell should they let Sam back there? Demons aren't that stupid. I don't think they made a mistake. I think it's a plan or something behind this."

"I guess this one would be on Sam to be answered. First things first." Dean sighed again and raise from the bed, strolling towards the bathroom. "Would you do me a favor and order something to eat in the meanwhile? We need to get some more flesh on Sam, and it doesn't looks like he enjoys the hospitals food at all."

With this words he disappeared behind the bathroom door …

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Dean got back to the hospital after about two hours, with a big paper-bag in his one arm and a cozy fluffy blanket in the other. Yeah, Dean went shopping, looking actually for something Sam might would've liked … and then he saw this blanket in autumn colors and plaid design on one side. A fluffy fur on the other.

The older Winchester knew his old Sam would probably beat him up for buying him a "girly blanket" … but this Sam, upstairs in room 57, would hopefully love that thing.

These hospital blankets felt too scruffy and itchy …. an Sam should at least feel as comfortable as possible. Even when it looked like that he wasn't around mentally, _his body was still here_.

After he reached the third floor, he heard a loud scream. Panicking, begging screams of a familiar voice.

"_Sammy_?", he mumbled to himself and took off like he got chased by a cat … or a dog.

Dean was panting, when he reached Sams room. Yes the screams definitely came out of Room 57.

Heartbreaking screams, broken by begging words. The older Winchesters face went pale, let all the stuff in his arms drop to the floor and burst into the room.

Sam wasn't where he left him … Dean had placed his sleeping brother on the bed, covered with three blankets over his shivering body. He was so damn sure, that he would at least sleep for a couple of hours.

Doctor Richards was in the Room, kneeling on the floor behind the bed, towards the corner where Sam used to sit. Behind him the guy called Dylan, who turned towards the door, when Dean entered.

What's going on?", Dean shot out panting.

"_Please_, don't!", Sams voice sounded desperate, full of panic and fear, when Doc Richards stroke gentle over Sams knee. "_... please … please …_", echoed a sobbed begging in lower voice.

"He woke up and was like this. Just a couple of minutes ago.", Dylan explained, full sorrow in his eyes. "i didn't knew what to do, so I called Doctor Richards." _…. but he should have called Dean._

Dean didn't hesitate. While the male nurse was still explaining he rushed past him, forced the doctor aside and got on his knees in front of his little brother.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

The chain was grinding over the naked floor of the basement. _Fear_ caught in Sams chest. He knew what would happen next. New bruises, new pain and no chance to cry out. It was at the very beginning, short after they stitched his mouth shut. The first time was the worst time. Everything felt new, extremely raw and _cold_. At the beginning the fear was the biggest.

…_... this was, when he was still fighting …_ thinking of what Dean would do instead of him, holding on the little bit of hope, that someone would come and rescue him, or at least _release_ him …..

It took him too long to realize, that his mouth wasn't longer sewed up and that it was him. He heard himself scream and begging for help. Desperate for comfort and something to hold on. He heard himself sobbing and crying over his nightmare, calming himself down over the fact that it was _just a dream_ and that he should calm down fast, before **they** would hear him.

He knew what was going to happen if he was screaming, and he _knew_ he had to hold on. He _knew_ he had to stall time … what the hell was he thinking about loosing control like this? The faster they were done with him, the faster they probably would start to track down his big brother somehow … and he couldn't let this happen. He couldn't let him down again. _Not this time. _

He curled up tighter, forcing his body harder against the surface behind him …. hoping that they didn't hear him._ Oh god_ … he would give _everything_ to die …_ everything _… _just not Dean._

_Sammy_ … there was this familiar voice again, and a gentle touch running over his hair … a soothing mumbling calming him down. A warm embrace beside him …_ could it possibly be true?_ … could this be a _familiar_ body next to him? … a gentle grip around his shoulders forced him to lean against something soft and warm. Leading his head a little bit downwards, until he heard this soothing sound again ….

_thumb …. thumb … thumb …._

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

The older Winchester felt his heart bouncing against his ribcage, when he forced his little brother with gentle pressure against his chest. Holding him tight and starting to rock him a little bit. Dean didn't taught that the rocking was necessary, but probably he did it more for himself than for Sam.

"It's ok, _Sammy_.", he mumbled quietly, "Everything's ok. You're save. Safer than you ever could be, kiddo."

Dean knew he had to get his little brother home. It was the only option. He didn't want to imagine what he had been thru the past weeks. And Dean had to think about what it was worth it … if_ THIS_ was worth it, when he felt his little brother shaking and sobbing, in fear and panic._ If this was it worth to live._

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Bobby changed their plans. He had pleases Rufus to come over before they'd return home. Preparing the panic room and making a fire in the living room, since it got pretty cold and Bobby didn't want to get Sam into a cold, unprepared house.

Whatever it was, he had a damn bad feeling deep down in his gut, when they took off from the hospital with a sedated Sam Winchester on the backseat of the impala. And Bobby following them in his own vehicle, since he managed to rebuild one of the old trucks with some help of Rufus. Turning it upside down, that Bobby could at least drive a car on his own.

The further they got away from the hospital, the badder Bobbys gut felt. A wrenching feeling, raising up his throat and building a big knot. Something was badly wrong.

The weird feeling about the Demons who just took off, letting their bait back at the basement … probably they wanted Sam to be found. _Maybe …. maybe they needed him to be found …_

…_... to be continued_

"_CHAPTER 6 ~ FALLING" (title might be changed) PLOT TWIST (at least I think so)_

_leave me some cherry pie, hu? …. maybe if I'm begging? :P reviews are chocolate for my soul!_


	6. Chapter 6 Falling

**OK … where shall I begin … I think the "plot twist" didn't really work out that well …**

**BUT I've a cliffhanger for you guys ^^ **

**remember: I rated for "M" because of stuff that I might will write …**

**_THANK YOU _to my both awesome reviewers: _LucyMac_ & _rosebudgirl_**

_**you girls keep me going!**_

_**Chapter 6 ~ Falling**_

Dean and Rufus had placed the still sedated Winchester on the couch in Bobbys living room. Including his new blanket (_yeah, Dean was proud of himself about this find_). His little brother seemed relaxed; his body limp like he was fast asleep. But Dean knew it was just because of the sedatives, and that this state shouldn't hold on very much longer. At least the Doc said so. They passed the six hours mark about an hour ago. That was when the doc said, the sedatives should start to loose their effect.

Dean started to get worried. Maybe he chose the wrong dose …..

Dean checked his little brothers vitals _again_. Everything seemed fine. Like he was asleep …. though he was worried, regardless of what his brother seemed to be or even not.

He started to feel tired. The day was exhausting and had torn on his nerves. Always one of his eyes in the rear view mirror onto his younger sibling, checking if he would wake up; or if he was going all Nell again. So Dean didn't feel the need of making a break, they drove thru for hours until they reached Bobbys house.

He was more than relieved, when they reached Singers Salvage. Rufus was already waiting for them, helping the older Winchester to get his brother inside.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Dean wasn't able to sleep. It was already past midnight; about the sixth cup of coffee in his veins, still checking his brothers vitals every hour. Right now he had maned one of the whiskey bottles and spill himself another one in. While Bobby tried to find out more about the guys who had captured Sam weeks ago, Rufus was on it to get the panic room ready … "Just in case.", as Bobby said worried earlier.

The older Winchester sat in front of the small kitchen table, checking the web for any signs of the apocalypse. And there were plenty. _Enough, if you knew, what you've to look for._ A deep sigh left his lips, when he checked on one of the articles, telling that some guy murdered 127 nuns in a convent. _How could they even be able to stop this?_ How was _he_ supposed to stop this? All on his own, if his brother wouldn't recover fully?

Dean took another gulp from his glass, when he saw a move in the corner of his left eye. He turned around; awaiting to see Rufus in the doorway. His eyes widened when he realized it wasn't Rufus. Neither it was Bobby …...

"_Sam_?", the older Winchester didn't believe what he saw.

Walking and talking Sasquatch leaning against the doorway; eyes wide and with dark shadows around them. His skin pale, and small lips without color. _…... like a walking corpse._

The chair scratched backwards over the wooden floor. It wasn't to overlook his emotions running over his face. His brother was _walking_, he stood up by himself, he was _awake_. Dean didn't care, he didn't question what happened … _at least not now_ ... But he had to admit, that a sudden weird feeling climbed up his throat … _and that Sams fast recovery was pretty weird at all_ … He swallowed the feeling down, since he knew this house was monster-proof. All the concerns washed away by relieve.

"Dean.", the younger sibling said with a -there-i-am-smile and started his way over to his brother, who rushed towards Sam with big steps. They ended up in a hug in the middle of the room. Seconds that felt like minutes. No one could tell how Dean felt. Released, happy, a giant rock falling from his heart … just _one_ thing … _it didn't felt like his brother _….

_Suddenly_ …. everything happened within seconds … he felt his brothers hand moving and saw something blinking up in the right corner of his eye … Dean grabbed his brothers hair, curled it up in his fist and bumped his head against Sams. Whatever had blinked up sliced thru the thin fabric of Deans shirt, and left a deep cut and a burning sensation in the flesh of his back.

"What the hell, Sam!", he shouted hit the boy in the face, what was more a reflex than anything else.

"You better should have checked on your brothers tattoo, Dean Winchester.", the guy who looked like his brother set on a victorious grin, while he recovered quickly, and licked over his bleeding lip.

"Son of a Bitch!", Dean hissed. His eyes turning dark. There wasn't just one time in their life things could work out calm and good. _Couldn't they?_ "_Exorcizamus te_ … _omnis immundus spiritus_ …!"

"Don't overdo yourself.", his possessed brother said unimpressed and raised his shirt.

There was a burning-mark on his left side ... and damn it, Dean knew the sign. The demon had locked himself inside of his brother. Realization flickered over Deans face and he swallowed hard, at the look of Rubys knife in his brothers hand.

"What is this for?", Dean asked, aware about every move his brother made. "You could've killed my brother and me easily in the hospital before."

"But it wouldn't have been as much fun as it is now. - Before I end a job, I'd like to play a little bit with my toys." Yeah it was Sams body, Sams voice, Sams everything … _but it wasn't his brother. _

"So what, … you're gonna kill me now?" Deans eyes moved fast, his mind even faster. His brother was possessed and the demon locked inside his body. The only thing he had to do is get him under control, and destroy the mark on Sams flank.

"Yes, I am going to kill you ... destroying the Angels only hope."

Dean put on his "i don't care smirk", while he tried to figure out, how he could possibly get the bastard out of his brother without killing them both.

The demons vessel moved towards him, twisting the knife in his fist. "I promise I'll be quick.", and took off, from where he stood, ready to draw the knife into Deans chest.

Right in the move, a loud banging voice echoed thru the kitchen, and the vessels back got hit by a shell of rocksalt. It groaned an flinched, nearly dropped the knife …

"Don't you dare!", Bobbys voice, cool and composed.

Sam turned around and faced the gunner with a big smirk and dead eyes. His look fell onto a sawed off in Bobbys left hand, and THE COLT in his right hand.

"I'll let you choose. Either you back off, or I'm going to kill you." Bobby remained calm and steady. Not one move on his poker face.

"You won't kill this boy.", the demon laid his head to the side. "You wouldn't dare to hurt this broken body even more."

Bobby raised his right eyebrow. "You think? … I see I have two choices. Either I loose Dean and Sam. Or I loose just Sam, whose body and soul are broken by the way. Not sure if he's going to live a normal life ever again. I could take him out of his misery without any regret. I won't risk to loose both hunters on the field." He put on a winning smile, his eyes still composed and unwilling to show any kind of emotion. "So, who do you think I will pick?"

Dean watched it happen. Unable to say anything. He trusted Bobby. He _knew_ it was a lie, he would never hurt Sam. Nor would he risk his life … at least in a normal situation.

"What's it gonna be?", the older hunter said, staring at the monster, his finger on the trigger.

The Demon looked down on himself. Gazing at the knife. He seemed to calculate his chances if and how he could possibly get out of this situation alive.

Suddenly, with a fast move of his left hand, he threw Bobby with his wheelchair backwards, and let the door slam shut. Nearly in the same motion he took off, to finish what his first attempt was. _Killing the Archangels vessel for good. _

Dean was pretty surprised by the fast scene. Before he was able to react, the Demon was in front of him and lunged out to bury the knife in Deans gut. Before the bastard hit his target, Dean got a hold of his other hand, shoved himself aside and twisted it on his brothers back. _Broken bones would heal … _

_No one would die tonight … _Dean would take care of it.

First he had to get a hold of the demon. But this thing was strong. He fling Dean across the kitchen, slamming him hard into a wall. The older sibling fell down with a gasp. All oxygen left his lungs for a couple of seconds, before he was able to take a deep breath.

"You know, your brother was begging to release him. And on the other side he didn't give in ... This _poor bastard_ still didn't want to tell us where we'll find his brother.", the demon said panting. "_no matter what._"

Possessed Sam was in front of Dean. Had him to his feed, and took a swing to bury his foot in his preys stomach. "you have no idea_ how easy_ it was to break him." Dean got another hit in his ribs.

Sam squat down beneath his panting brother, twisting the knife between his fingers. "We should end this, Dean, while your brother is watching. He should see …_ that in the end _… we won."

The elder Winchester felt the stinging pain of one of his broken ribs. At least it felt like there was at least one of them broken. The sharp cutting pain, when he inhaled the needed air. Not to talk about his bruised head.

The Thing took another swing, to trust the knife in Deans chest, but the Winchester was fast enough to grab Sams hand in time and twisting it around. A relentless battle ensued. Both of them took bad hits and punches, but Dean actually got Rubys Knife into his hands while they where battling on the floor for it.

Both men got back on their feet a few yards away from each other. Dean had lost Rubys knif, and the bastard still remained in Sams body and owned Rubys knife again. Both of them looked badly bruised, Dean had at least one broken rib, and a badly aching knee; no words about his aching head, while the damn bastard was recovering fast, just his brother would feel any injuries later. Dean had tried not to punch too hard, had tried to avoid hiting the older wounds, what was barelly unlikely. He had tried not to break any bones in his little brothers body ... but he knew too ... he couldn't win that way. He was loosing this fight, if he didn't found a fast solution for this problem.

The same moment the Demon leaded Sams body towards Dean in another fast attack, the door skipped open.

Bobby was back in his wheelchair, behind him Rufus with the sawed off. Then everything went down within seconds.

In the same moment the demon reached out to fling the knife into Deans chest, a shot rang.

SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN

There he was. Sam felt himself lying on a cold wooden floor. Eyes opened wide. He knew he was alive, heard his name said a couple of times. "_Sammy_" ... over and over again, the voice seemed to get weaker ... _or was it himself?_ There were just shades. Gray and something bright, something black, like smoke, fling over him across the ceilling, until it was gone within seconds.

He tried to focus and closed his eyes; heading towards the familiar voice; the darkness might show him the way. He smelled whiskey and old books. He smelled Deans aftershave. He heard voices far away from his mind. It was a moment of clearness that overcame him. Though he couldn't actually see a damn thing ... _but he felt it _... he thought he felt Deans look on him ...

"_Dea'?_", Sam tried to call for his brother. Instead of a call it was more exhaled and weak. He knew he was there ... at least somewhere near him ... Pure pain rushed thru his body in waves. Sam was wondering how it felt to die; weeks ago. Now he felt his life faiding away ... slowly but surely. It was like he recognized his last minutes before he had to follow a Reaper whereever he was supposed to go. And Sam was _ready_. _Ready to leave this world behind_, all the _pain_ and _loss_. Somehow he felt sorry. _Sorry_, that he couldn't see his brother once more.

SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN

There he was. Dean felt himself lying on a cold wooden floor. Eyes opened wide. He knew he was alive. It's been just a few seconds, since he hit the cool surface. Black smoke flinging like a rabid snake thru the air, looking for escape.

He felt blood oozing out of a wound on his shoulder. Rubys knife still stuck in him, but it wasn't that deep, at least it looked that way. His vision was slowly fading, as he turned his head. Sam wasn't far away facing him, his empty eyes looking straight into his.

"_Sam …. Sammy_.", Dean managed to say softly.

"_Dea'?_", it was more exhaling than talk.

He saw Sams hand reaching in his direction, then his little brother closed his eyes.

Dean tried to move, but the tension of his muscles shot a terrible pain thru his entire body. "_Sammy, C'mon._"

He heard unsettling voices around him. His big green eyes fixing his little brother and the pool of blood on his side getting bigger.

So this was it. _This was how it was going to end?_ At least they were going together like it should be.

No Angels, No Demons, No more monsters. No more hunting, _just peace_. If it shall be that way, he would follow Sams lead when the reaper would come to get them.

Deans lids shut … _"Good Night, Sammy ..."_

…_... to be continued_

_**wuhahahahahahaaaaaaa!** What a cliffhanger! _

You guys should know that I don't write deathfics (as long as the characters are still alive in the show) …

**you guys know:**_ **REVIEWS ARE LIKE SWEET CHERRYPIE!** :P i'd really like to know what you think so far? … if i'm begging? … shall I go on my knees? _


	7. Chapter 7 Awakening

_AuthorsNote: …... I am so **DAMN SORRY** I wasn't able to update sooner. I thought about updating/writing this story within 2 weeks & be finished._

_SADLY my sickness stroke & left me onehanded for about 2 weeks now (wich makes it damn hard to type …) … well my arm/hand is still sore, but I thought I owe you at least the next chapter, so I took some time & typed it 5-finger-style :P _

_anyways: every damn failure down there is my fault … still found no beta, so I guess me & myself & you guys have to life with it. I'm honestly sorry for this short chapter … but i'll finish this story, PROMISE!_

_by the way: **REVIEWs ARE KINDA AWESOME … (don't you guys make me go beg for it!) **_

_**Chapter 7 ~ Awakening**_

_thumb … thumb … thumb ~ there he was, back on the road of life._

It was a long wait, but finally the angel managed to get his feathery ass down on earth for a couple of minutes, while two of his best friends were dying. _Literally dying … _

Castiel was on his knees beside Sams bed.

"He will awake soon.", the angel said. His voice seemed tired and exhausted, his hands shaky from the task. "I am sorry that I can't do more for him. I honestly wish I would be able to fix this … fixing both of them completely … " Castiel sighed and looked up at the retired hunter, who laid a hand on his shoulder.

"You did more, as I was hoping for.", Bobby said with a slight smile. Relieved that _his_ boys would live and accepting what was in the angels capabillities.

Cas had tried to heal them both, but since he was disconnected to heaven, his angel-juice did barely reach out to zap him from one place to another. Not mentioning to heal someone … though he had tried and it nearly cost him consciousness. Now kneeling on the floor;_ drowned from his angel juice …_

"Balls, Cas!", Bobby hissed, as the angel vanished with the fluttering sound of wings without any warning.

The older Hunter sat beside the bed in his wheelchair, where they laid Sams limb form down, and Bobby was shure he was going to loose at least one of his boys. He was shure, that Dean would beat him for this decision …... _or worse _… banning him from his life. Dean would have never forgave him, if he had sacrificed his brothers life for Dean.

Bobby was _desperate_. All the blood that covered Dean, his boy slowly drawning away within seconds. Rufus shouted at Bobby,_ he screamed_, yelling at him, that the younger Winchester was going to _die_, that there was so much blood. That he didn't know what to do … an ambulance would have never reached them in time.

Bobby knew he had no other choice. Deans small movement, when their eyes met over the distance, that showed him where the demon had burned the locking-symbol in Sams flesh … _on his flank_. He hadn't missed it,_ unlock, aim, shoot_ … but he knew he would wound the younger winchester badly. Probably even kill Sam, since he didn't know what kind of injuries the demon maybe had hidden. And he felt bad about this decision. A decision that was made up in just a part of a second. It was like his hunters instinct kicked in, _and pulled the trigger for him … _

When the older hunter realized, that he would loose them both, that he just damed one of his adopted sons to die, to save the other one for nothing but the sign of his own failing … when he realized they were bleeding out, running out of time … it was like a neon sign lightened up in his head, and called for the only one who would've been able to save them now … _Castiel _…

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Two days went by after the Angel disappeared; and the Winchester Brothers remained unconscious in their beds in one of Bobbys rooms upstairs.

Castiel had healed Dean, before he went for his little brother. The angel obviously sensed their state imadiately when he arrived. He didn't said why, nor what reasons he had to go for the older Winchester first.

But after a whole two days of overthinking the worst time over his own life, _Bobbys lifetime_ … he figured that the angel must have known, that he wouldn't be able to heal both of them completely, or that he would've spent his whole angel-juice on Sam … and Dean would've died ...

Castiel just said, that Sams body was damadged worse, that the demon had covered a bunch of injuries, and that he wasn't able to heal them all …

though, it was like it was, and right now noone would be able to change it at this point.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

_Thumb … thumb … thumb …_ **damn it** … he was alive. And he wasn't supposed to be, he _knew_ it, _deep down_ ….. he was supposed to be dead. Supposed to be with his little brother. _Peace_ … no more hunting … no screwed up lifes anymore. Just a little peace in heaven on their own.

His eyes fluttered open, when he stretched his muscles_ and it hurt_. His whole body felt sore, and he wasn't shure if he should've opened his eyes. He wasn't even shure if he even wanted to get a glimpse of this world ever again.

"It's about time, kiddo.", a old grumpy voice digged its way thru the darkness of semi consciousness.

The Hunter moaned an groaned when he rolled up his lids slowly. His vision was pretty blury and this world here seemed far away for a couple of minutes.

"Dean?" … it was Bobby, sitting in his wooden wheelchair, with a big grin on his face. "There we go boy … what the hell took you so long?"

At least one of the Winchester boys was halfway up and about.

Dean twitched his eyes and rubbed his palms over his face. It nearly felt like awaking from a damn deep nightsleep.

"Bobby?", he mumbled … in the same moment the whole fatal happeneings crushed back into his memory. "_Oh, god._" his eyes wide open, staring past the older Hunter on the other bed behind him. "_Sammy_!?" Dean swallowed hard, then reached on his own shoulder, awaiting a bandage where Rubys knife digged deep into his flesh.

Not what he expected … there was _no_ bandage, _no_ patch … _nothing_ … just a sensitive spot, that felt like a scar. "What … ?"

"Castiel." Bobby sighed deeply.

"Cas was here? … I thaught he ..." Dean swallowed again, cut off by Bobbys words: "His angel-juice was barelly enough … he was able to heal you mostly. But ..."

The older Winchester went pale and closed his eyes for a second. Then he asked quietly with hoarse voice: "What about Sam? Was he awake?"

Bobby looked down on his shoes, before he fixed Dean with his look. "No, he wasn't … it was on the edge … Cas wasn't able to fix him completely. But he said he'll survive." The retired hunters voice went low. "This way or another … it wouldn't have been enough for both of you. Even if he would've healed Sam in the first place, there wouldn't be enough angel-juice left for you. - So yes, he chose the middle way. Tried to save you both. And I am more than happy about the fact that you both will live."

Dean nodded, as his gaze fell back on his still unconscious brother. "Did Cas say anything about Sam? You know … if something will be left?"

Bobby closed his eyes for a moment, sensing Deans tension. "Yes. - More or less … you know … we don't know how he's doing. - He didn't wake up yet … we don't know in what condition he'll be."

Dean felt his eyes watering. "_Oh God ..._" His words not more than a wisper.

"It's ok, Dean. We got him hooked on I.V's for the last both days though.", Bobby tried to comfort him. "You'll see, he's going to be OK."

"What about the demon?" Dean turned his head and watched the ceiling, as he was trying to focus. "Is he gone?" His voice still hoarse like hell.

"He's not dead, if you mean that.", Bobby added a sigh. "But it's gone."

Dean nodded.

"I'm gonna make you something to eat and bring you a beer, boy." Bobby smiled. "well …. Rufus will bring it. This Idjit needs work. You can't imagine how many work this guy makes … baked around 14 pies the last 48 hours."

"I'm not hungry, Bobby." Dean still stared on the ceiling. Somehow he wished he hadn't woke up. Somehow he felt wrong._ Somehow he thought he'd die, and he was cool with it_. Somehow he thaught he'll find the rest he and his brother finally deserved.

"Shut up.", Bobby looked angry at him. "Sam will be allright. You will be alright. Now keep your ass down for a couple more hours, and then i'll show ya what we found about the guys who took Sam in the first place. Including the demon that probably posessed your brother. OR listen to it all by yourself. - Rufus and a couple of others were pretty active while you were out cold."

_**THIS **_caught Deans attention. "So there's a plan?"

Bobby nodded with a sparkle in his eyes. "Yes son, it sounds that way."

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Another two days had passed. Dean was already up and around, feeling like the same old Winchester he was before …_ before he got stabbed by his demon possessed brother._

He was sitting by the kitchen table with Bobby and Rufus, more or less enjoying a breakfast with coffee, bacon and scrambled eggs. Dean just poked around on his plate, staring at the scrumbled eggs, like they were something he had to hunt down with his fork.

"Don't stab it, boy. _EAT_." Rufus raised both of his eyebrows with a mouth full of bacon and stared whide eyed at Dean. "You're no fang, so stop playing with ya food."

Rufus never occurred that serious to Dean like this man did the past two days. Rufus was a truly good friend, and already counted as family. Yeah, he was weird somethimes and by far he acted not as the lightest bulp at some point, but he was a friend. A true friend. A guy, Dean knew, he could count on … _assuming he gave him the right direction and orders …_

A light smile rushed over Deans face, when he looked up. "Shuddup, Rufus." Yes, this was _thank-you-winchester-style_. He let out a deep sigh and his face turned dark and thoughtful again. "I think, if Sam doesn't wake up … not within the upcomming _twentyfour_ _hours_, we'll have to take him back to hospital." The older sibling closed his eyes for quiet a second. "No matter if I want or not. He's living on IV's right now, but he's going to starve. He's getting weaker already. He _already lost_ too much weight, I can't bare this any longer ..."

The both older men just nodded and their gaze fell on their own plates. Now it seemed like they also lost their appetite all at once.


	8. Chapter 8 Don't You Dare

I am not so good with the **WARNINGS** … sooo … I rated for -M because some weird stuff could happen (nope, no wincest) … yeah well …_ trigger warning_ (yeah, I copied this one from other fanficers out there, because i'm new in this business) for kinda suicidal thoughts (more or less)

but first of all:

**THANK YOU to all my reviewers: **

LucyMac & 3DBABE1999 & Amber Bell & rosebudgirl

so far … i'm not so pleased about my own style & plotting … and somehow i'm lost right now, because i started writing this story without knowing exactly where i'm heading …

further: english isn't my own language, and i'm still looking for someone who wants to beta-read my shit.

So some of you would like to review? Anyone? Someone? You can also say i'm writing shit, and that my english is HORRIBLE! … as long as you say it nice & in spn-slang please :)

_**Chapter 8 - Don't you dare**_

previously aka **THE ROAD SO FAR:**

A light smile rushed over Deans face, when he looked up. "Shuddup, Rufus." Yes, this was _thank-you-winchester-style_. He let out a deep sigh and his face turned dark and thoughtful again. "I think, if Sam doesn't wake up … not within the upcoming _twenty-four_ _hours_, we'll have to take him back to hospital." The older sibling closed his eyes for quiet a second. "No matter if I want or not. He's living on IV's right now, but in the longer terms he's going to starve. He's getting weaker already. He _already lost_ too much weight, I can't bear this any longer …"

The both older men just nodded and their gaze fell on their own plates. Now it seemed like they also lost their appetite all at once.

**Lets get started:**

Dean had left his plate on the table with the half eaten eggs and bacon, griped one of the IVs and a sterile venflon from the cupboard, and headed upstairs towards his and Sams Room.

Dean had thought about it … to move one room over … but since he mostly spent his time beside Sams bed in one of the chairs, he skipped this idea. Since he haven't got a lot of sleep the past two nights, he didn't need to separate from Sam. He wanted to be there when he woke up anyways.

And …. _he was concerned about him _…. In what shape his little brother would be _then_. _Maybe_ his state was much worse, _maybe_ the Demon was just playing with him all the time, and Sam was already gone. _Maybe_ he've never been there and played a sadistic game … _Maybe_ Sam was too broken to come back. …... _maybe_ …...

That thought shattered the older hunters heart. _Sorrow_. _Guilt_. He was supposed to watch over Sam since he was born. Dean thought a lot about it over the last week. And all the fights they had the past five years, since their reunion. _How many times they split up._ He would've never thought, that something simple like this could cause that much damage … he thought about the _anger_ he felt, when the hospital called him about Sam. About the mix of anger and _concern_, when he entered the hospital … and the _shock_, when he finally **saw** his brother the first time after nine weeks … under the shower; his bruises and wounds exposed to Dean and the world. The fading scars of the stitches around his brothers lips, that were supposed to keep his mouth shut. The healing gashes on his little brothers torso, tights and legs …

… but the most that hurt weren't the visible injuries on his body. They would heal and over the years the scars would be probably gone. But what this thing could've done to his mind … Dean didn't want to imagine. He refused to think about it at all. _He just couldn't … _

The older sibling reached their bedrooms door, still open in a small gap, like he left it. He took a deep breath and swallowed all his considerations down, before stepping in. Deans gaze fell instantly on his brother, and he stopped in the attempt to make another step inside.

Looking at Sam … _he must've moved _… Sam lay on his back when he left him, and now he was curled up to his right side. Sheets and blanked pulled over his head. The older hunters look narrowed, checking on the form on the bed. It seemed a bit odd at first, like someone stuffed pillows and blankets under it.

It felt a little bit like Sam was three years again, when his bigger brother came to wake this little pain-in-the-ass up for breakfast. A light smirk rushed over Deans face about the memories that came up. All though, this were good memories, they were more or less happy back then.

"_Sammy_?", he asked with gentle voice. "Sam_?"_ He saw the sheets and blanket move a little bit, like the form under it had flinched.

Dean narrowed slowly to his brothers bed, putting the IV and the venflon on the bedside table beside him, and tried it once more: "_Sammy_? You awake?"

Of course he was … a_nd his big brother wasn't there_, when he did. He could've kicked his own ass for not being around. The older hunter kneeled down beside the bed, hoping his brother wouldn't think of him as a threat.

The Sheets and Blankets remained still after another move under them to Deans softly spoken words.

"C'mon, Sam. - I'm going to unwrap you there." Dean lowered his voice … maybe he was still too loud … or Sam didn't remember his voice? "You're gonna choke yourself under the sheets, kiddo."

Dean took a grip on the upper top of the sheets-and-blankets-layers and started to pull them back slowly. He didn't want to scare his little brother even more. Damn it, he didn't want to even tear him out of this probably _feeling-save_ situation. But he had to. Dean wasn't quite shure if you could suffocate under layers of sheets, but he shure knew it couldn't be that comfortable at all. At least not for his brothers lungs.

He tilted the layers back, just as far, so that he could see Sams head. He laid there curled up, both hands spread over his ears, as if he didn't want to hear something. His face buried between his knees.

Dean swallowed. First he didn't know what to do, if he should dare to touch him, if he should dare to take a move on his little brother. Something deep inside of him told him too … something told him, to sooth him, whispering gentle words to him. Letting him know that Dean was here.

Though, after all this, what had happened … _after this fight _… and since he didn't know what Sam could remember of all of this … he wasn't shure anymore if he deserved his trust.

"_You are a freak, Sam. A bloodsucking monster, fucking around with a demon whore. You exchanged me for Ruby, you've let me down, like you always do. You always ran away, like you always do. You never wanted to be part of this family, and I sold my soul for __**SOMETHING**__ like you, though Dad told me that I probably would've to kill ya …. _yes, Dean wanted to hurt his brother with this words, he wanted him to feel the pain like he did after Sams betrayal … _I wish I would've let you die in Cold Oak. I wish I would've never sold my soul for you. You're less worth than any monster I've ever killed and if you wouldn't be my brother, Sam … if you wouldn't be my brother, I would've killed you long time ago."_ He saw the raw hurt in Sams eyes, tears stinging … and Dean grinned at him, he just grinned, because he knew this had _hurt_ him, more than beating him up would have ever done.

It still felt like yesterday. Dean was able to remember every single word he said to his little brother. And he was so full of _anger,_ _doubt_ and _wrath_ … and _NOW_ … **NOW** he just wanted to have his Brother back. Sammy, the geek boy, the walking enzeclopedia of weirdness, his pain-in-the-ass-little-brother … _NOW_ it was all different.

Dean laid his hand on Sams, which was still pressed to his ear. "C'mon _Sammy_, look at me, kiddo." He swallowed down tears. "I know you're in there." He just had to be.

He felt Sams hand loosening and let it guid down by his brothers. His little brother stirred and hazel eyes blinked; flew open; taking a careful look at the one who was beside him.

"That's my boy" Dean smiled softly and squeezed his brother's hand with gentle pressure.

Sams expression turned from confused and asking into fear, pain, disbelieve . . . within seconds.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

This couldn't be real._ It just couldn't._ He wanted the darkness back, he didn't want to be here,_ not again_. He didn't want to be awake, he wanted to be _dead_.

He saw what he had done, he felt the riffle dig into Deans flesh. Sam remembered the fight, he remembered that Dean was mad at him, the things he said, that his brother should have killed him, like their dad said. _No_, Sam shouldn't be here. _He let DEAN down._ The one he ever counted on, the one who ever counted on him … at least he thought Dean did. And Dean was damn right. _What had he ever done right?_

Deans little brother was poisoned with _demon blood_.

He ran from his family to find his normal life in _stanford_.

Sam died, and Dean _sold his soul, _letting him down with a demon … letting him down so many times it hurt. _Now_ that he knew, that he did everything wrong, that his brother didn't trust him anymore … _what was he worth now? What was his life worth? Why did Dean even come for him?_

His head hurt like a bitch … no, his whole body hurt like a bitch … this all was … he just deserved it, he deserved all of it, Sam _knew_ it.

Oh god, his head hurt from all these thoughts, emotions, all this _guilt_. Why didn't they just kill him? Why didn't they just end this, like it should've been? … _because they wanted him to kill his brother, that's why_. They wanted him to kill Dean, and he knew, he at least hurt his brother badly. He saw all the blood back there in Bobby's kitchen.

…... though something was different _now_. _He felt it._ The voices were gone and just memories left. The voices that told him, that he wasn't worth it. The voices that told him, that he was a monster, and that he didn't deserve a brother like Dean … they were gone. But _it didn't matter_ … Sam _knew_ they were right. Sam _knew_ he was just a burden for his big brother. Ever was and ever will be.

"_Sammy"_ … he knew it was Deans voice, he knew his brother was calling for him … but he couldn't. All this fear, all this pain. All this emotions rushing thru his mind and body. His thoughts jumping, tearing, teasing him, rushing back and forth, up and down. The memory of Deans words echoing in his ears over and over again … he was a _freak_, a _monster_, his life _not worth saving_ …

"_Sam"_ … Dean was calling again, and he saw him … he saw his brother beside him, deep emerald eyes, smiling, squeezing his hand.

Dean kneeled there beside Sam. Holding his hand, talking to him. Now for longer that half an hour, and it didn't seem as Sam heard just a single word of what he said … or worse: he didn't understand …

Though it didn't matter to him. Sam was alive and awake, that was all that counted right now. He would figure out the rest, whatever it would be. Whatever this whole situation would mean, whatever it would take, Dean would do it. _For his little brother._

He lay his hand on Sams cheek and rubbed with his thumb one his tears away. Sam started to cry … silently … calm. No noise leaving his mouth, no sob … nothing. Just tears over tears, wetting the pillow under Sams head.

"It's ok, Sammy. I'm here … I got you." The older sibling brushed over Sams hair. "Don't you cry, kiddo. Everything's going to be OK. You're save now, trust me."

Sam moved his head a little more, so that his mouth wasn't covered from his knees anymore, until his hazel-eyes meet green ones.

"_Please_", it was silent, nearly unmistakeable.

Deans eyes were locked with Sams, and the older brother smiled. Damn it, Sam was talking …

"It's ok, Sammy. You're save.", he repeated with comforting voice.

"_Please_", this time Sams voice sounded steadier, more self-assured. "_Please, end this._"

Deans heart shattered. His brother didn't have to say what he should end, he could sense it. Though, he didn't want to give it any chance for a misunderstanding. "What, Sam?" He nearly choked on his own words, "W_hat_ shall I end?"

"_Please_, Dean." … this broken sound, pleading eyes. "Please, end this … I don't …. _please_ … _PLEASE_ … I can't. End this, please, _Dean_."

Deans face went sharp, his eyes serious. All the joy about his brothers awaking was gone … Did he honestly asked him for this? He looked away, trying to focus on something else. Trying to focus on the plaid of the blanket on Sams bed.

"_No_." Dean let his hand slip from Sams cheek and stood up in a fast motion, before he squeezed his eyes shut for just a second and turned away.

"_**No**_, _Sam_.", with this words he left the room without looking back. He needed air, Dean needed fresh air. It felt like something closed tight around his ribcage and throat, he _had to get out_. He nearly stumbled over the stairs on his way down, caught himself again, rushing on by Rufus, and out of the front door. Out of Bobby's house and _everything_ in it. He hurried down the few steps of the veranda and into the backyard of the salvage.

Where he would be alone for shure. Except this idjit Rufus would dare and follow him, THEN he would've at least someone whose nose he could break. _Damn it_ … he so wanted to hurt someone right now, beat the shit out of someone … _he would've beaten himself up_ ...

_This wasn't Sam_ … _Sam_ would never ask him for a favor like **this** … he would never even consider something like **this** … would he? Who the fuck knew, what they done to him, who knew, in what ways the demon had messed with his little brothers head … and _HE_ had paved the road for them. All on his own. Wich brother would say the things, he said? Would tell him to split up for good this time and take off? Dean had … and Sam probably didn't even give him shit for it.

Now, he _wanted_ to hurt someone even more, breaking bones. And Dean knew who he would hurt for this. The bastard, locked down in the barn. The demon, Rufus and a couple of his friends got a hold of. Tied him down to a demon-proof chair, with demon-proof belts and a devils trap on the floor, and one on the ceiling. Angel sigills all around the wooden walls, just to be shure, that no one would interrupt his little chat.

This bastard would now pay for every single slice, bruise and scratch his companions did to his brother. This bastard would tell him everything he wanted to know. EVERYTHING … he hadn't been Alistairs best for nothing. He had grown a master of torture.

~SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Seven days passed since Sam had woken up. Seven days of silence, obedience and quiet tears. Sam hadn't lost a single word since he asked his bigger brother to _end this_.

Still, it was just Dean who was allowed to get near him, who was allowed to touch him, changing the bandages and check on his bruises. His brother was the only one who was able to enter the room, without Sam hiding in the furthest corner of the room. He barely left their room either. Not even when Dean went downstairs. Sam refused to follow.

More than that … Dean was still worried. Sam didn't eat as much as he was supposed to, he didn't even drink as much as he should. Rufus had managed to make a run for supplies a couple of days ago, bought fruits and all that rabbits food Sam usually loved. Now it was rotting outside in the trash.

Sam had changed … and Dean hoped, that one day, he would be at least half the Sam he knew. This, was all so screwed up, he just wished he would be able to make it all up to his little brother again. Take back all the words he said on purpose to hurt him. Damn, he would trade places with him, no matter what.

The older Winchester had a full plate on a tablet in his hands, when he went downstairs, heading to the kitchen. Sam just had eaten a few little picks of his breakfast. Now it was cold, after standing nearly untouched for a couple of hours on the bed. He would try something different for lunch later. Maybe this Sam liked bacon-cheese-burgers and french fries … at least he ate them in the hospital.

"Just give him time.", Bobby sat in his wheelchair by the kitchen table when Dean entered the room.

Dean snarled and bit his lower lip. "Please, Bobby, don't … just … he's a mess." he couldn't believe, that this were his own words. Dean put the tablet on the dresser next to the sink and turned around. "I am not shure if I am able to deal with this … he ain't talkin', he ain't eating. He doesn't even look at me, Bobby."

"Oh, c'mon, stop whining, boy.", a grumpy voice like Dean had missed it, within the past seven days, "get yourself together. He's your brother. Of course you'll deal with it. **AND** you're not alone, by the way. There's still me. And Rufus … occasionally." Bobby glared with whide eyes to his adopted boy. "You've all the time you need for _fixing_ it."

Dean glared at the retired hunter. "Time? Time is the only thing we don't have. - It's the _a-freaking-pocalypse_. Seals are gettin' broken, and we should stop it. _We have to stop it._" He sighed, and his gaze fell on the clock on the wall above the table. It was short after eleven am.

"You have to do nothing about it. - there are plenty of other hunters out there, and Castiel …", Bobby started. "_YOU_ will take care of your brother, until he's ready again for the world out there. Because I don't think you'll be able to fight in both battles. You're gonna lose one of them." the former hunter sighed. "Don't be a jerk now, Dean."

"Of course I can't fight on both fronts. _NOT_ with a beautiful-mind-brother. He's just not Sam you know? Not the Sam_ I _know. He's completely different, like he has given up. That's not the Sam I want. I want _my_ Sam back. _Geekboy_, the one who knows everything better, and throws bitch-faces." Dean paused. "He's all I've got, Bobby."

"That's why you will take care of him … and then you both will take care of any seals, the apocalypse and lucifer himself." Bobby smiled with a wicked glittering in his eyes. "What about the bitch in the barn? Something useful he spit out yet?"

Dean let out another sigh, before he unclasped the beer bottle and took a mouthful beer. "Not really … just that the demons that had Sam, obviously didn't ship_ lucifer rising_. Wich obviously is pissing the ones that ship lucifer off. This tribe of rebellions are now hunted by their own suckers. So I guess they're hiding pretty well at the moment." He took another swig. "And damn, this bitch is pretty nervous about Lucy and him being back and all that stuff. I've the curious feeling, that he'd rather die, before he's gonna tell me what's really up." another pause followed before he continued: "and he was pretty confused, that Sam ain't around."

"You talked about your brother with this son of a bitch?" Bobby asked in disbelieve.

Dean shook his head. "I didn't … he did. Obviously they got hold on the little bitch, we sent back over a week ago. Lucy ain't happy about suckers who hurt his vessel." He paused again. "Obviously lucy can't wear him for prom, when he doesn't give premission … on the bright side: the way sam is right now, there's no chance for lucy to get him to say anything probably. - It's might half bad that way." … for a moment Dean wasn't shure if he really said it out loud.

The older Winchester looked up and met grumpy old eyes. "You saw your brother lately? It's worse than bad, Dean. He ain't happy. He probably ain't in this world right now. How could you even say, it's half that bad the way it is right now? Would I still be able to kick the shit out of you, boy, I would take the chance right _NOW_. - You sound like your dad, you know that?", the old mans voice rose in anger with every word his lips left. "Don't be like your dad, Dean. Hold on Sam, and Sam will hold on you. It might take time, but he will heal, and you both with manage all this.", the old grumpy one added more softly.

"When Rufus is done with digging in the Katzunes, he'll get uns some burgers from town. - So, what do you think Sam would like to have?" Bobby rolled towards the fridge and got himself a beer.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

It was later this day, when Dean was on his way upstairs, to bring his little brother a Bacon-Cheese-Burger and french fries. He stopped after the first few stairs, and looked up. Seeing his brother sitting on the upper stair, knees tight to his chest, and two hazel-eyes watching his big brother climbing the stairs with a paper-bag in one hand and a bottle beer in the other.

Dean wasn't upstairs since he had carried the nearly untouched breakfast downstairs. Now, over two hours later, his beautiful-mind.-brother had left the room for the first time since he had woken up.

Dean refused to come him as near as when they were in the hospital … he didn't know _if_ he should, _if_ this Sam in the hospital was Sam, or _if_ it was the demon, playing a sick game with them both.

"Hey, _Sammy_." Dean smiled softly, still Sams first words in his mind … _end this, Dean_. He banned this thought from his mind, and planned to go on as it never had happened. "I've lunch for the both of us, kiddo. What do you say? Hungry?"

Sam didn't talk back with his big brother these days. He simply followed orders. Except when it was about to leave the room, or getting something to eat or drink. Everything else about his behaviour was more than obedient. He acted extremely subservient, to be honest, and this was another fact that scared the shit out of his bigger brother at times.

Sam looked at his brother with this big hazel-eyes, pleading, full of fear and pain, anxiety.

"Wanna go downstairs?" Dean smelled an opportunity to get his little brother at least into the living room for the first time. "It's better to eat there. We won't mess the bed up, kiddo." Dean still smiled softly, and climbed up another stair.

Sam flinched, his breathing went faster.

Dean groaned. He knew he wouldn't get an answer, so he sat the bottle down, and reached his brother a hand. "C'mon, let's go."

It took his younger brother a couple of seconds until he responded to his brothers prompt with shaky hands. The further they went down the stares, the more frantic Sams breathing seemed to get. It wasn't unrecognized by Dean, so he sped down, giving his brother more time to adjust, until he stopped on the bottom of the stairs, and didn't move further.

The older man remained too, and turned towards Sam. "Just a few more yards, Sam, and we're in the kitchen … c'mon." Dean looked at him hopeful, pulling a little bit on his grip, like he would let him stand there on his own, if Sam didn't follow. "Just me, and you and Bobby."

Sam stumbled backwards, when his breath started to hitch, and lost control over the rise and fall of this chest. His heart beat even faster, the less oxygen he brought into his lungs.

"wow, wow, wow, kiddo. Nice and slow, OK?" Dean dropped the paper-bag and sat down beside his brother, rubbing his back carefully. "c'mon. Nice and slow, Sammy. It's OK."

The younger Winchester put his hand to the left side of his chest, trying to follow Deans directions, but he couldn't. He just couldn't … and _he failed again_. Sam felt it, he failed, as Deans voice got more forceful, everything seemed lost again. Just one single order, and he couldn't follow it.

"Hey, Sam. Don't you dare._ C'mon boy_. **Breath**." Dean felt anxiety rising in him, trying to keep his voice low, though it didn't work out that easy. "Just … just slow down for me, Sam. _Please_ … I didn't mean it."

He could do nothing but watch, as Sams face got even more pale, and tightened his grip on his chest, trying to catch a breath. Without thinking, he pulled Sam into a hug, because that's what he wanted to, since his brother woke up. Hugging him, showing him, how sorry he was for everything that had been said, for everything that had happened. A hug between them had always meant more than a thousand words could ever express.

It hurt Dean, that something simple like getting down the stairs, effected his brother like this, causing a major panic attack like this. And he cursed himself for not seeing the signs of it. He cursed himself for not giving in, and letting Sam stay where he was, since Dean knew, that his brother wasn't him right now, and obviously wasn't able to tell where his natural borders were.

"You know it's OK. I'm sorry. You don't have to, OK? You don't have to, we just sit here and wait until it's over, _little Brother_, OK?" and he felt small water drops hitting his own flannel.

Sam was crying _again_ … quiet and silent tears from deep within. The older Winchester felt his brother calm down, when he curled up beside him, and shifted his head into Deans lab, and the older man started to pet over his hair, and brushing his tears away on occasion.

His little brother seemed so small and vulnerable right now, somehow wasted and exhausted. Dean couldn't blame him for wanting to_ end this_ … but he couldn't let him give up. He had to get him thru this, no matter how, no matter what. _He wouldn't let his little brother go that easy. _

"i'm sorry, Sammy, I shouldn't push you like that. I'm sorry. - I know you can't. I am just to stubborn to see it."

Dean rubbed gently over Sams arm, trying to sooth him more, and it seemed to work … at least a little. He didn't know how long they sat there, until Sam shifted a little bit, and looked up at his bigger brother, while he tightened his grip in Deans tear-wet flannel. The younger Winchester didn't know _why_ he was afraid, he couldn't explain it just a little. To no one. This fear stuck with him, deep inside his bones, so he had decided he'd do, what he did, when he was a toddler … following Dean and his orders and suggestions as good as he could.

Thoughts and memories … _everything was mixed_ up, shouting, whispering, hissing. He wanted to scream, and cry. He wanted to end this since he woke up … since he remembered everything that had happened.

But Dean had him told _**NO**_ … at least for now.

To Deans surprise, it was Sam himself who sat up beside him later and reached for the paper bag, but not without checking on his brother, before touching it. It looked like he was asking for permission … that's what Dean stabbed right into his heart. _Did he ever gave his brother the feeling that he had to ask for simple things like this? ….. _

They sat there for another long time, eating the cold burgers and french fries silently. Of course Dean could've used the microwave to warm them up. But that would've meant he had to leave his little Brother alone …

Dean took his time, watching his brother eating slowly, stripping the burger in little pieces before eating them. Every now and then Sam looked over to his brother, as if he had finished yet.

Dean had figured it out, _at least he thought so_ … Sam wasn't eating, when no one else was eating. And he stopped as soon, as the other one had finished. Wherever this behaviour came from … Dean wasn't even shure if he wanted to know …_ he just knew he'd fix this_.

The younger man nipped on his coke-can and handled it over to Dean, with asking eyes, his eyes fixing his big brothers beer-bottle (by the way). The older sibling smiled and took a last gulp from the bottle, before he handed it over to Sam and took the coke in exchange.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

It happened the next day, later at morning . . .

Dean had left for a supply run, since Rufus had left for a Hunt two states over … So, the older Winchester figured he'd do it by himself, as long as Sam would be asleep, Bobby busy with research for Rufus hunt and a fallen Angel to watch over his sleeping brother.

He figured he wouldn't take a whole much longer than about an hour to be back at Bobby's. Still it didn't seem that easy to find the right sized sweatpants for his little brother. He had lost a lot of weight, and needed some new trousers, at least at the moment.

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Dean knew something was different, when he returned … he knew, something wasn't right, something was beyond right, and when he stood in front of Bobby's house, and heard the screams …

In one fast motion, Dean let go of the bags, and draw his loaded weapon …

…_... to be continued _

_**YES, HUNTERS! …... reviews are pie, so please leave me some ^^**_


	9. Chapter 9 Bullets

_**WARNINGS**: it's rated M for a reason (just to be on the save side about the ratings) not winchest/destiel by the way, but **TRIGGER WARNING** for suicidal thoughts … not this clearly now but for shure IN THE NEXT CHAPTER_

_so guys, back to the business: it would be DAMN NICE, if someone would **REVIEW** this story … you can also call me an idjit, insane or whatever … or sayin' that it's crap … just please … **PLEASE** … **REVIEW** …._

_**THANK YOU** to the one & only awesome **LucyMac **_

for reviewing & kinda betaing (yeah for me it's a beta)

* * *

_previously _on bruisedbloodybroken aka **THE ROAD SO FAR**:

It happened the next day, later at morning . . .

Dean had left for a supply run, since Rufus had left for a Hunt two states over … So, the older Winchester figured he'd do it by himself, as long as Sam would be asleep, Bobby busy with research for Rufus hunt and a fallen Angel to watch over his sleeping brother.

He figured he wouldn't take much longer than an hour to be back at Bobby's. Still it didn't seem that easy to find the right sized sweatpants for his little brother. He had lost a lot of weight, and needed some new trousers, at least at the moment.

* * *

Dean knew something was different, when he returned … he knew, something wasn't right, something was beyond right, and when he stood in front of Bobby's house, and heard the screams …

In one fast motion, Dean let go of the bags, and drew his loaded weapon …

* * *

**THE NOW:**

_**Chapter 9 ~ Bullets**_

Bobby was busy with the Chili on the stove, pouring some more ingredients in before he could add the beans. He felt like someone or something was watching him. He knew this feeling well. He wouldn't have been a hunter, at least not for long, if he wasn't able to sense when he was being watched. It was a fact that had saved his life on more than one occasion.

Since the incident with an injured, broken and possessed Sam, he had his sawed off, rocksalt loaded, shotgun with him … _always_. He had figured, that a revolver or pistol would be too dangerous, since everyone in the house (which meant him and Dean and Rufus on occasion) had a bit of a trigger finger - like they were on a wendigo hunt in the woods.

Bobby decided to wait … wait until the one who was watching him, got into action. But actually nothing happened. He felt the eyes on his back for about 30 minutes, 30 minutes in which he kept asking himself what he was going to do next, until he reached for the sawed off in his lap, and turned his wheelchair around with just a single move of his hand; the finger of his other hand on the trigger.

No one would've been able to tell how surprised Bobby was, to see Sam leaning in the doorway, watching him cook. He actually had thought (against everything he had said to Dean so far), that this kid wouldn't leave his room ever again.

Sam's face went dark, and he frowned, but didn't make a single flinch.

"Boy, I could've killed you!" Bobby barked, easing off his finger from the trigger, and putting the shotgun back in his lap.

Sam frowned even more, like he didn't understand … his hazel-eyes went down, to look at the shotgun in Bobby's lab, as he started to tear up.

"I'm sorry, Sam … I just didn't expect you down here … I ..." Bobby put on a friendly smile, which some people for sure, didn't even know he was capable of. He watched the younger man for a couple of seconds before he continued … "Wanna help me here?"

Sam shook his head.

Well, the kid did at least understand what he was saying.

"Are you hungry?" … Bobby wasn't sure what to say, and something in him made him wish Dean was here at this moment. No such luck though, since the older brother had left just a couple of minutes ago.

Sam shook his head.

The older hunter sighed. "Thirsty?" … hopefully he was, otherwise this could get pretty awkward, since he didn't know how to handle the kid at the moment.

Sam shook his head again.

Remembering that Castiel was suppose to be with Sam, Bobby asked, "Where's Cas?"

Sam shrugged.

Well … Bobby was sure … the angel needed his butt kicked.

A glorious idea came to the older hunters mind. … "You know what? Rufus installed a TV in the living room … you could watch a movie?" … though he had no clue how to get this new technical stuff to run._ This thing didn't even have a knob to switch it on._

_Damn_ … the kid looked lost … and the more questions he was asking, the more confused Sam seemed to get.

Bobby let out a groan and wheeled towards the younger man. "You go and watch TV, son. I'll take care of lunch, and when Dean's back, we're gonna eat."

Sam just nodded, and let the former hunter pass by with his wheelchair, to follow him, holding his injured side.

"Sit down." Bobby said after he had recognized that Sam wouldn't do anything he wasn't told to do. The older man managed to turn the TV on with the flicker as he heard a wheezing sound come from behind him as Sam sat down on the old couch. When he turned around he saw Sam sitting there, curled up; never letting him out of sight, as he placed the remote control on the table in front of the boy.

Sam eyed one of the books on the table in front of him … one of the books that Bobby had used to tell Rufus something about the hunt for which he had left earlier.

"You go and choose something. Rufus said something about over fifty channels …" Bobby stopped talking, when his adopted son reached for the book and started to flick through it.

* * *

Dean knew _something_ was different, when he returned from his supply run … he knew, _something_ wasn't right, _something_ was beyond right, and when he stood in front of Bobby's house, and heard the screams … all color drained from his face …

In one fast motion, Dean let go of the bags, and draw his loaded weapon …

Someone was yelling … a loud bump … and then everything went silent inside the house.

Dean Winchester took a deep breath before he sneaked inside, trying not to step on one of the croaking tiles under the carpet. The thump must have came from the living room, he was pretty sure … Dean unlocked the weapon as silent as possible.

Still … everything was silent … too silent for his liking. A knot started to form in his throat …

Bobby should have been downstairs or somewhere in the yard, since he wasn't able to get upstairs on his own. And Sam. Well Sam was supposed to be asleep or at least in his room … _with an Angel_.

The older Winchester sensed movement and saw something from the corner of his right eye. Someone … or _something_ was in the living room …

"Bobby?!" … Dean hesitantly called out.

No respond.

He pressed his back against the wall, next to the door into the living room and … _one Mississippi … two Mississippi … three Mississippi …_ **GO**

Then everything happened too fast. Too damn fast …

He just recognized something tall jumping up from the floor, a muffled scream … and his gun went off, before Dean even realized that his finger was pulling the trigger.

A flattering noise, waving trench coat, and an angel punching Deans gun out of his hand.

Then it went silent … everything went still, all that was left was the silent struggling of an actress on TV, trying not to get ripped apart by Freddy Krueger.

Dean swallowed hard, his eyes on the giant sasquatch in the middle of the room. Sam let the book in his hands drop. He was surprised and overwhelmed about what had just happened including the burning sensation in his right bicep.

"_Sammy_?" Dean asked in disbelieve, when his brother reached for his newest injury.

One second Cas was in front of Dean, and in the next one he was there to catch Sam before he could fall over after losing his balance. It probably was from some kind of shock, rather than a serious injury. He had suffered a small scratch from the bullet that thankfully had missed its mark.

"_What the hell_ are you doing down here?" Dean pointed at his brother … and _damn it_, he could literally see his brother falling apart in front of him, after his words were out, and the damage was done.

"Are you hurt?" Dean made a step towards his brother, who responded by taking a step back. His kept his voice low but serious. "Did I hit you?"

"What the hell is going on in there?!" came a grumpy voice from the entrance of the house. "Sam?! Sam, is that you?"

Sam's breathing accelerated. "_Sorry?_" he whispered with pleading hazel-eyes, when Bobby came into the room with his drawn shotgun. "_Sorry_ . . . so sorry … _please_ …" The younger mans eyes started to shed water once more.

Dean needed to calm down, and he knew it. He had to calm down, and control his voice, before he attempted to go near him. He had to show him, that nothing bad had happened. That he had done nothing wrong … at least Sam hadn't done nothing wrong.

"_Sammy_. It's OK … just let me take a look, OK? Let me take a look at you. I just wanna make sure that I didn't hurt you, kiddo. _Please_." He tried to stay as calm as possible and keep his voice low, but he still sounded too serious in his own ears.

Dean made another step towards Sam and Sam made another step backwards, moving away from his brother and the angel on his side.

Dean reached out towards his brother, barely two yards away. "C'mon. Let me see" he added a pretty bad fake smile to his words. "Let me see, and then we'll go and get our lunch. - Bobby made chili."

It took the older Winchester everything not to smash his brother's head against the wall … it took him everything in him not to get a move on his little brother, and punch him right in the face, for being just who he was right now. Because _his_ Sam, _his_ Sam would've given a response, even when he had called out for Bobby. And _his_ _Sam_ wouldn't have let himself get nearly shot by Dean.

_It has been a damn freaking movie. A movie, that had made him nearly shoot his little brother. A damn freaking horror movie_ … Dean was on the edge. He was worn out, tired and actually starving to death right now.  
_Why the hell was his brother even watching this? What the hell was he even doing downstairs?_ Dean was glad that his little brother had decided to come downstairs … it was just his timing that was horrible.

Now Dean sat there beside his brother on the couch watching TV. This time the movie playing was "_Finding Nemo_". Sam was still sobbing and shaking from the sudden burst of gunshot, the bullet that had left the scratch on his bicep, and Dean's harsh words. Sam seemed comfortable - Curled up on the couch, head in his brother's lap and both hands wrapped around his tight.

Dean could do nothing but smile about it. It was weird, to have his younger brother like this - snuggling and cuddling like the world was going to end. _Well, the world was going to end …_ They ended cuddling, when Sam finally started school, but not since. They were never ever again that close (at least physically).

Dean pulled the blanket he had bought for Sam during his hospitalization, over his brother's shoulders. The older sibling was asking himself if this would ever end … if there was a possibility, that Sam would get over this ..._ If he would get his old Sam back._

"He's OK, Dean." Cas stood beside them, like a lamp, waiting to be switched on. "I fixed this."  
Dean just nodded, while he let his finger run thru Sams hair, stroking away the bangs in his face.  
"Thanks Cas." the older Winchester let out a deep sigh._ Why did everything have to be so messed up?_  
Castiel nodded. "I have to go, Dean. But if you need me, just call. You understand?"  
The older hunter nodded again and looked gratefully at the angel.

Meanwhile Bobby had finished lunch and wheeled in with a tray on his lap. Three smoking bowls of Singers Special Chili, including two beer and one coke.  
"I think we should expel all the loaded weapons -" Bobby started, when his gaze fell on the younger Winchester.  
Dean nodded. _Ohh, hell yeah, he felt guilty._ He felt so damn bad … nauseous and a headache had started right away. He was tired, very tired, but he knew, he couldn't leave his brother for a couple of hours sleep, at least not in a different room anyway.

"It's OK, Sam, huh?" Dean said quietly. "You were scared?"  
Sam blinked tears away, before he sat back up, whipping his nose into the arm of his hoody. He didn't respond, just looked at Dean with sorrow-filled hazel-eyes. Oh god, he felt _so damn sorry_ for literally everything …

"It's OK to be scared. I was scared too." Dean sounded, as he was talking to a 5 year old that had hurt his knee. He still wasn't sure with _what kind_ of Sam Winchester he was dealing … how far his mind was able to reach, what things he understood, and what things he did not ...

* * *

The demon sounded as like he was going to choke on the holy-water-rock-salt-mix, Dean Winchester had just forced down his throat. The bastard tried to scream but in its place a bubbling noise came - _And Dean Winchester was just warming up…_  
"Tell me, bitch ..." Dean held Ruby's knife in his hand, circling the possessed woman.  
"I told you!" the demon hissed gurgling. "I don't know what plans they had. Hell no one knows. - Lucifer is on their heels, he's going to destroy them, for hurting his vessel. It's none of your business anymore, Winchester."

Dean walked around the chair once again. The woman was struggling against the strains of leather on her arms, feet, legs and torso.

She was a pretty girl, surely not older than thirty. But Dean knew … he couldn't exorcise the girl's body anymore, she was already too damaged, from the blessed iron-nails, cuts and bruises … she would die anyways. The Hunter just hoped that the girl inside this body wouldn't feel anything from it.

The demon giggled. "I heard a lot of things downstairs. I heard, your brother was begging; screaming to release him … He didn't even recognize what was happening to him in the end. He didn't even realize that he was possessed. I heard, he was screaming on the inside. - Honestly, Dean. I thought a Winchester wouldn't break that easily."  
"You son of a bitch." he sing sang. Dean grinned dangerously, trying to keep his voice low, emotionless, trying to swallow down the urge to kill this bastard of a demon right now. "I know you're lying. The one I had for breakfast … he told me a whole lot more. And I killed him, _because_ I was in a good mood, _after_ I was done with him. - _You, bitch_ … you're not making me happy right now. I should send your ass streight back to hell." The Hunter glared at his captive, letting the blade of the knife run over the possessed woman's cheek.

"_No, no_ … please ..." The demon looked terrified by the threat." They would know I've talked to you. The things they are doing …_ its hell_."  
Ignoring the demons words, he carried on. "_I know_, that you know more than the last one … he told me about it. You're a trader, a crossroads demon … he told me you are practically a walking newspaper of hell, aren't you?"

"I – I – I don't know what you're talking about." She was panting.  
"You know everything what happens downstairs." Dean made another circle around the chair.

"I do know most of it, but not everything. - I know about you and your brother. We knew you guys had split up ever since you exorcised that demon in Arizona. There was a direct order, not to touch the vessels. But some of us … well …", she grinned knowing and her voice went soft, "... some of us weren't very excited about the idea of Lucifer and Michael walking free, looking for their vessels and... stuff. Some of us want things to stay as it is. Some of us don't want this fight, not in our lifetime. Some of us just want to mess with Gods sandbox." she caught a breath. "Where would I get my deals from, when this world ends, when there are no souls left to collect?"

Dean stopped behind her and let the blade run down her neck, keeping it on her throat. "_Spill_."

"They captured your brother, to kill _you_. They possessed him, because it would be a lot easier to come near _you_."

"Tell me something I don't know yet." Dean still tried to hide his anger and fear, not letting it show in his voice.  
"Ok, ok … something you don't know ..." again an evil smirk. "... is that I heard, that your brother should be dead … Is he?"  
Dean was glad he wasn't standing in her view, so she couldn't see all the emotions that turned Dean's gut upside down right now.  
"Is he dead?" she asked again.

"He's doing well." Dean answered, and let a smirk swing in his voice. "He's pretty much _alive_ to be honest."

She laughed sweetly. "I knew those guys would mess it up."

"Mess _what_ up?" Dean asked frowning.

"I heard that Sam wouldn't last much longer than you … actually I thought you would have killed each other by now." She chuckled. "... Since he's still alive, I am guessing you honestly think _he is going to survive this?_ … The things I've been told..." The demon stopped, as if she had burned her tongue.

_Silence_ … Dean gave her a few more seconds, before he started with the exorcism without warning. "Stop, no! _STOP_, Winchester!"

"Then tell me, what you've been told, bitch or I'll slaughter your vessel and send you straight back to hell." Dean glared at her from behind.  
She was panting, her eyes went black for a second. "It's much more fun this way, don't you think, _Dean_? Listening to it ..._ how you failed_, how you weren't able to save your little brother from all of this … watching your brother, being torn to shreds by no one else but himself? Destroying himself and letting you watch?" She put on a winning smile. "It's so sweet to watch you suffer, Winchester. Sweeter than the rack that belongs to you in hell, boy. Maybe I won't live long enough to watch … but man, it's definitely worth it."

Dean swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. He would've liked to stab this bitch right now and here. But he didn't … she actually told him nothing new, except that Sam should not have survived the event over a week ago and that he would destroy himself … _what the hell was that even supposed to mean?_  
Sam's state wasn't that bad. Sam had improved, though he hadn't seen him yet today. But he was sure he would improve further … slowly but surely. He was eating more, moved around Bobby's house (except the basement) and was actually helping Bobby with some stuff in his library. Sam still had his moments when something unexpected happened or someone yelled, but Dean didn't consider that as a problem any longer. It would go away and improve, like the rest did.

* * *

Two hours later, the older Winchester started to chant the exorcism spell with low voice, just to stop short before the last words were spoken, and slammed Ruby's knife into the demons chest.

_…... to be continued_

* * *

_& **please**, LEAVE ME A REVIEW, i'm dying for reviews … (actually I think this story is probably crap, since 20 guys are following, but barely someone is reviewing :/)_


	10. Chapter 10 Hollow

_There we go, folks ^^ ~ __**chapter 10**__ is up and I actually figured out how it will end._

_i had to delete and repost this chapter ... SORRY ~ _

_**WARNINGS:**__ rated __**M**__ for a reason, __**TRIGGER WARNING**__ in this chapter, some "__**dark**__" stuff …_

_read & enjoy _

**special thanks to everyone who reviewed so far**

**special thanks to LucyMac for betaing :) **_you're a sweatheart! this story wouldn't be the same without you ^^_

* * *

**Chapter 10 ~ Hollow**

~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~

Sam was too tired. Tired about all of it. Since when did Winchesters freak out about a "bang" at all? When did Sam became labil and volunerable? It was _just a bullet_ … he didn't even know how he could miss his brother coming in. Hell, he would've not even recognized, if a damn horde of werewolves broke into the house and slaughtered everyone in there.

His instincts? …. _gone_ . . . the more time passed, the clearer his mind got, the calmer his thoughts were, the weirder everything started to get. The more he reached out of this dark corner in his mind, where he felt completely _save_, the less he had a clue about what must've happened to him. It was just like … something didn't want him to be him again. Like something had still control over him. Like something told him to be obedient, or it would _hurt_ even more. And this something – _whatever the hell it was_ – it made him feel unbelievable _useless_. Sam wasn't Sam anymore, and _he felt it. _

He wasn't even able to say _why_ he was the way he was now. Yes, he saw the scars on his body, the fading bruises, was still sore as hell, even when it felt like eternity that he'd woken up and was back among the living … _he felt just wrong_ … as he didn't belong there, as he didn't belong into this world …... _hollow_

He remembered the fight between him and Dean barely, but he knew there was one and he knew it was a bad. He was able to remember some of the things Dean had said, and also some things he had mentioned. _More than that_ … he remembered that it _hurt_. It hurt like hell. He remembered, that Dean was _mad_ at him. Damn mad and that his brother had left the parking lot of the motel _WITH_ the impala and his duffel-bag. Leaving Sam two hundred dollar on the bedside table, which he never took. At least he didn't remember to take them … and he remembered, that it hurt like hell; like it was ripping him apart from the inside, when the red tail lights of Baby faded away in the darkness of the night.

_Then_ … there were a few flashes of a hunt, and a whole lot of less, shorter flashes of what happened later. He knew there was _pain_. He knew he must've been _alone_, and that it was _cold_ and even _more pain _followed. Voices, laughter, _loneliness_, the smell of hospital and _Dean_ … holding him, rocking him … He didn't really remember any pictures … it were more like flashes of feelings and then … _then always came the pain_. These flashes of Bobby's house and a_ bleeding Dean_. But Dean was fine … he didn't seem to be injured … Sam tried to remember. He honestly tried to remember what had happened, but he just couldn't. It was like a damn wall, that didn't want to break.

Sam wondered what had happened between him and Dean after the fight when they split up. He hadn't expected to see his brother ever again … hell, he hadn't expected, that Dean would ever again, look at him, like the little brother that he was. This small smiles, gentle words, comforting gestures and all this cuddling and snuggling things … the Dean he was able to remember, would have broken his nose right away for even coming into his personal space.

This was just so damn confusing and disturbing. He felt like he couldn't get a clear thought between all of this and the feeling, that he had to _end this _

…._ that he didn't belong …._

…_... _at the moment_ he was worried … _his brother haven't been with him since yesterday night, when he woke up, and now Bobby was prepairing lunch_ …... Dean was still outside somewhere … _Since then Sam was on his feet, he roamed thru the whole house, bare feet, looking for his brother. After he could be found nowhere, he sat on the couch, staring outside into the yard, not letting the black impala out of sight.

Sam sat there on the windowsill, leaning against where wall and window met; above the old couch in the living room, and staring out of the window, still watching the impala. _Dean wasn't gone … the impala was still here … Dean had to be somewhere around …_

It was quite past one pm now. Sam didn't go to sleep again; he haven't touched the breakfast Bobby had offered him. He didn't even leave the window for just a second.

* * *

_Dean left the barn around two; time for eat; ____time for looking after Sam._

_As he entered the house through the back door he was overtaken by the comforting aroma of grilled chicken and cherry pie. Dean looked like a mess. No, he looked worse than a mess. He had dark shadows under his eyes and was covered in dirt.____ Blood, mostly__ … and he stank. Stank like demon, death and dirt. He was exhausted and tired and somehow he felt bad about leaving his little brother sound asleep in his room … ____alone__. Leaving him, without letting him know where he was going and ____that he was leaving__. _

Though he thought it was the best decission. Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to get away and taking care of the demon, Rufus and his guys had captured. He had wasted the bastard fast. At least faster than the bitch he had afterwards. Though, both gave him reasons to worry. _Worrys about Sam_ … the possessed girl, whose body he just buried in the backyard, told him some things. _Things_ that made him wonder and some _things_ he didn't want to know.

He tried to shove her words aside for at least a couple of hours.

His body was crying for a shower and rest. He might would take a nap with Sam after lunch._ This Sam_ wouldn't mind to take a nap at any time of the day, and if he just lay there and listended to Deans heartbeat.

* * *

"Sam?" Bobby was worried. _He definitley was_. The kid haven't slept since yesterday night, when the kid came into the living room. Bobby was sound asleep on the couch at this time, when his hunter senses kicked in, and he became aware that someone was checking the house room by room.

Since then, he haven't got a second of sleep either.

"Dean is goin' to be back soon, kiddo. Don't you worry." He refused to tell the boy where Dean had gone, but of course Bobby knew where the older brother was … _in the barn_, trying to get informations about the demons that captured his brother.

Sam didn't move. He stared out of the window, _lost_ in his mind.

Steps on the stairs hallowed thru the hall, and finally … _Dean_ was back from his little excursion in the barn. Shaved, showered and with clean clothes. He wore a gentle smile, when he entered the room, attracting Bobby's attention, who was actually lingering over a book on his table.

The older Winchester raised an eyebrow, when he looked at the older hunter. Bobby appeared as if he hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep the night before.

"How are you two holding up?", Dean was the first one to break the compressing silence.

Sam didn't seem to recognize him or his presence, a situation that made Dean frown. He and Bobby continued to look at Sam, as Sam continued to sit on the windowsill, while leaning his forehead against the window, and stare outside.

"_Sam_?" Dean asked quietly, concern filling his voice.

Sam didn't move.

The older brother took in his brother's features, his pale face and lightly flushed cheeks. "_Sammy?_" he spoke a little bit louder.

The younger man just blinked once, before he continued staring, never letting black beauty out of under his watch.

* * *

_Dean wasn't there._ He couldn't even feel his presence anywhere near him. Sam knew he was with him, when they went to sleep. He held on his brothers shirt when he did, _he remembered it_. And then he woke up, and everything was _cold_, he was _alone_ … _again_ … and maybe the voices where right. Though they were gone for sure, but Sam remembered what they were saying, at least some bits and pieces of it …. maybe they had told him the truth. Maybe it was true, that Dean would leave him one day.

… _and now, if his brother was really gone, what reason did __**he**__ have to stay in this world?_

* * *

Dean went to the couch and sat down, watching his brother. He seemed so far away, deep in thoughts. The younger Winchester looked peaceful and innocent when he was _lost_ like this.

"_Sam_, you with me?" The older Winchester reached up and laid his hand on Sam's lower leg. "**Sam**?"

A softly spoken _Sam_ was sneaking into his thoughts. Deans voice … _Sammy_ …

"_Sammy_?", Dean rubbed softly circles into his brothers sweatpants. "Are you in there?"

Sam inhaled a deep breath. It looked like a swimmer taking his first breath after breaking the surface. The younger man turned his head slowly away from the window, and his gaze fell on a hand, rubbing circles into the fabric of his sweatpants. Then his gaze fell into emerald eyes. Sam slid down from the sill, on the couch besides his brother and slung his long arms around him in an instant.

"Whoa, kiddo. You've missed me?" Dean chuckled and hugged him back.

_Yeah, Sam still didn't talk at all. _

Later they had lunch in the kitchen. Sam picked at his food but barely ate a thing, he just stared at the plate in front of him and swallowed a couple of times.

Hey, _Sammy_," Dean said with concern, "not hungry?" He was waiting for a respond, at least a sign of something to cross Sam's features. A reminder that he was in there somewhere … Dean felt frustrated about the whole situation at the moment – plain and simple.

Dean and Bobby exchanged thoughtful looks. "You're in there?" The older Winchester grabbed his little brother's bicep and held him tight. "_Sam?_" He raised his voice.

Sam flinched and looked up, as he snapped out of his thoughts. His eyes looked hollow and exhausted.

"_Eat_ something, you understand?" Dean sounded grumpy, but his voice was stable and forceful, not accepting any kind of protest.

.Sam flinched again and reached for the fork, shaky hands guiding it over the plate. He managed to swallow one bit but had trouble with the second. As he felt the food go down, his eyes started to tear up. He felt sick since he got up last night. And now, with the filled plate under his nose, his nausea started to grow.

"You OK?" Bobby looked up, checking on the kid on the other side of the table.

Sam didn't look up. He was trying desperately to control his stomach. He did not want to throw up on the table and make a bigger mess _than he already had … just with his presence_.

"_Sam_?" forced by Bobby's words, the older sibling looked up at his brother. "What's wrong?"

Sam couldn't answer. He felt if he opened his mouth, he'd vomit right there. He let go of the fork, and shook his head. "_Please_" was all that he said, and swallowed again.

Yeah, it was one of Sams bad days, Dean had figured when he first came into the living room and now he had the proof. His little brother puked the contents of his meal up, before Dean could get the bin. After cleaning the floor and his little brother up again, he guided his brother upstairs, where he put Sam into the bed farthest from the door.

The younger sibling fell asleep, as soon as he had curled up on his side and had hidden under the covers.

Dean sat on his own bed for a while, watching the bulk under the covers, and the _movement of the sheets when Sam breathed. ____Yeah, it was a pretty bad day … _

After a couple of minutes, Dean let out a sigh, rubbed his face and got up, heading back downstairs. Despite the circumstances, he was still starving, and he figured he had two choices: eat or faint like a girl. Since he had to take care of his little brother, now more than ever, he had to look after himself. _Eating it is_, he thought.

Dean thought about the previous day. It had been one of Sam's bad ones. Sam just sat there, staring into nothing, seemingly completely _lost_. A shell of what he had once been. On days like that it was harder to get through to him: getting him to do anything but sit and stare at nothing, or lie down and stare at the ceiling.

These were things that dragged the demons words back into his memory. "_what he'll do to himself_" and that "_he isn't supposed to last much longer_". So Dean had tried to get everything he could out of the chick he had tortured in the barn. She just told him, "_they made sure,_ _as soon as the job was done and he left his meat suit, your brother's life ends. Even if – through some miracle – you survive, your brother ain't._"

This was actually a lot more worrying … _they made sure_ … so how could the demons make sure that Sam would die when the demon smoked out? Sam was still around, and after all he's been through, he seemed to be doing pretty well.

Dean had to talk to Bobby about it. He was kind of an all-knowing landmill, when it came to stuff like this.

The former hunter was in front of the stove, re-heating and stirring chilli for his older adopted son. "Get another beer until this is warm enough.", he ordered without looking at Dean.

"What happened to the chicken?", the younger man questioned with a faint grin.

Bobby just shrugged.

"What happened to the chicken?" the younger man questioned with a faint grin.

Bobby just shrugged.

The older Winchester went silent for a moment. He was exhausted. There was nothing more he wanted than to go to sleep; get some rest … be with his little brother when he woke up. "There's something the demon said, Bobby." Dean started and Bobby stopped stirring the pot. "He told me, that Sam was supposed to die."

Bobby's shoulders fell as he turned around to face the Dean. "Well, he could've meant your brothers injuries – we had Castiel, he fixed him halfway. Otherwise he wouldn't be here."

Dean nodded thoughtfully but he was still concerned. "_I know._ … but she seemed damn sure about it … he wasn't supposed to survive either way is what she said."

Bobby frowned. "So …. you think we've a curse on our hands?"

"I don't wanna bet it's not. - I know _demons lie _… but on the other hand, I don't wanna risk anything." Dean rubbed with his palms over his face. "They've messed enough with Sam's head. I just don't wanna loose him, Bobby. _I can't lose him like this_ … not again … just because of a _demon_."

"You won't lose Sam. We won't lose him period, boy. - It was just a bad day, Dean. You were out in the barn and Sam was looking for you since yesterday night. _He was waiting for you._ - After everything he's been through, he's doin' pretty good. - Sure he's still a mess, but no one can blame him for it." Bobby said calmly, filling a bowl with the warmed up chili for Dean. "We will wait and see how it goes. - If there are any hints of anything, we'll find a solution. But as long as we don't know what and _IF_ something supernatural's goin' on with him, we can't do anything."

Dean nodded and dug with the spoon into the thick goop… the beans were overcooked already, but he didn't care.

* * *

He should've done it days ago … now everything seemed crystal clear. Something told him to do it … no it wasn't something … _it was himself_. Now that the voices had stopped and there was silence, any thoughts he had were his own… none were kicking him back into his safe black corner ...

It wasn't like he really wanted to do it … but he felt like a _burden_… He knew if he did this he had to do it right. He remembered what Lucifer had told him … that he would fix him, if he died, he'd bring him back no matter what because he was Lucifer's vessel … but was he really able to do that? Could he really put his vessel together again? Sam wasn't sure about it, he honestly wasn't. From all he knew, Lucifer shouldn't even be able to find him, _right_? Now, that he had the sigils burned into his ribs, no angel would be able to track him down. And...of course...when he died they'd burn his body...there would be nothing left but ashes and Sam doubted that even Lucifer would be able to rebuild him out of dust … _out of nothing._ At least he would die as a hunter the way he was meant to. He would have a hunter's funeral. It was what he deserved.

Sam knew where Dean kept the Vicodin, and all the other good stuff...stuff that would make it easier for him to do it. Do what he should've done right after he recognized that he was more of a burden for his brother and friends, than anything else. He had already wrapped his mind around this idea …

_he just had to do it right _…

* * *

_3 days later …..._

Dean came out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam following him as he walked fully clothed into the bedroom. Actually he had thought his brother was still asleep, but he wasn't. Sam was sitting on his bed watching his brother, when he emerged.

The past days were good. They were more than just good. Sam had improved further. He seemed calmer and steadier than before. He was still not talking, but Dean was sure his brother would get over that. It might take Sam a little bit longer but he was sure that he would talk, when he was able to. Dean knew all too well that talking meant answering questions … obviously … and Sam didn't seem to want that.

His little brother also gained some weight, was more alert and … he hadn't cried anymore … Dean grinned widely, when he looked at his little brother. "You're ready for breakfast?" he asked and took his wallet from his bedside table. "I'll be back in about an hour or two."

_Sam nodded …. he was as ready as he ever would be._

Sam stood up, and stepped towards his brother, pulling him into a tight hug, grasping the back of his shirt in a death grip. "Good Bye, Dean." he whispered. "I love you, big brother."

Dean froze, swallowed hard. Sam was talking … he was talking after so long. His first **REAL WORDS**. Not crying, not sobbing, not apologizing, no hesitation. His first clear words.

Dean smiled gently. "I love you too, Sam.", he responded seconds later.

…_... to be continued_

* * *

_**REVIEWS** are pie ^^ I really do enjoy reviews :) they're making me all gooey, you guys know? So you might wanna send me a **REVIEW**? I mean … c'mon, it are not more than 5 minutes to send one ^^_


	11. Chapter 11 Take Me Home

_Get tissues, if you're built near the water … it's going to become bad._

_by the way: __**TRIGGER WARNING**__ (ya'll know where this is gonna end, don't ya?)_

**special thanks to ALL OF MY REVIEWERS :)**

**AND FREAKING SPECIAL THANKS to my ever awesome BETA for this story**

**_LucyMac_ XD **

**_you're the coffee to my cigarette, girl!_**

* * *

**Chapter 11 ~ Take me Home**

They had barely any food at home, and Rufus wasn't back yet. So Dean decided to make a run for supplies and stuff. Yeah, Bobby's house was comfortable, but sometimes he needed to get out. And since Sam seemed to do better every day, and damn it – _HE HAD TALKED_ – _really talked_ to him, said _**Good Bye, Dean**_ and _**I love you, big brother**_ … this was more, than Dean thought he would ever hear again. It was special. This day was special, and a part of him wanted to celebrate.

_But then again _… The words his little brother had picked for his real first words … _major-odd_. A slight uncomfortable feeling built up in Dean's gut … The way Sam had said the words … _it was just weird_ … and still, Dean couldn'tput his finger on it, letting it run on a never ending loop in his mind,and muttering it the whole way back home.

* * *

Dean skipped the gas station, there was enough in the tank to get back to Bobby's … his gut told him to _hurry_ ...

Arriving at Bobby's house, Deans slammed on the breaks, and hurried inside, banging the front door open as he entered.

"Dean?", Bobby asked confused, "Something wrong?"

The older Winchester was panting. "Where's Sam?"

"He came downstairs about an hour ago. He said he wanted to go outside and take a walk on the yard. Why?" As Bobby spoke, the former hunter senses bad. Sam hadn't left the house ever since he woken up after the attack, but today … today the kid was _different_. He was smiling … he haven't smiled that way in the past weeks ever. At least not that he remembered. And the calm "_Thank you … for everything_.", out of Sams mouth, when he pulled the old man into a bearhug …

"You don't think …. _He wouldn't _….", Bobby swallowed, and paled at the same time.

"How long has he been gone?", Dean asked, still panting.

Bobby took a look at his watch, before he answered. "About _forty-five_ minutes ..."

With a curse, Dean went outside again. The Yard was big. No, scratch that, it was huge and his brother could be everywhere, _doing everything _… he should've known, that something was wrong. _He realized it probably wasn't normal that Sam had all of a sudden improved so much...seemingly overnight__. ____Or maybe Sam had improved because he was planning to do this? _

Dean had no time to think about that now, but he would torture himself later, if he didn't find his little brother in time. I part of Dean still hoped that he was wrong and that Sam was only out for a walk. But Dean honestly doubted that considering the way Sam had been clinging to him and never wanted to follow his big brother outside … Not to mention the panic attacks the kid had, when Dean went outside without telling him …

"What are we supposed to look for?", Bobby asked when he stood beside Dean in the middle of the junkyard.

"_Anything_. Anything that's _not_ normal, Bobby. - He ain't stupid. If he wants to do something like _that_ … he's going to make it clever. That's why he was waiting until I left for a supply run." Dean swallowed down. The knot in his throat grew with every second wasted.

_Then_ … Dean listened hard. Tried to ignore the birds and the cold wind, that was whistling thru the car wrecks … _Was that music? _

_Damn it_, Dean knew the song … it was the song that played on the radio during their first hunt after their reunion about four years ago … it was the _"Rambling Man"_ … Dean would recognize it at anywhere ...

_The older Winchester decided that NOW__was time to panic, decided because he knew what that meant. He knew what this could possibly mean. He knew why Sam was different and all cool the past few days.____He must've planned this. _

It was Sam saying _**Good Bye**_ to his big brother …...

"Bobby?" Dean whispered, "You hear that?"

"Is that a song?" he asked, also whispering.

"Where is the last car you brought in here that still has a working battery?" Dean answered frowning.

"An old Chevy truck. - it's around the next car block. Still had it's battery and stuff."

_There it was_, like Bobby had said. The truck was in the front row, topped by an old Buick.

The music came from there, definitely. And as Dean's narrowed he recognized angel banishing sigils and other stuff painted on the outside and the windows. Without hesitating, the older Winchester tried to open the door on the driver seat, where Sam sat. The kid looked unconscious, pale, _deadly pale … _

The door didn't open. Sam had locked himself inside the vehicle. Dean checked on him through the window, recognizing a bottle with pills and a water bottle on the passenger's seat … _and blood_. _Blood everywhere._ It was covering the lower arms of his brother, his clothes and the truck. He had cut his wrists open, and there was still blood seeping out of the wounds.

He wasn't supposed to be late … he wouldn't lose his little brother like this. _NEVER_.

"Cas!", Dean screamed, while he looked around for something heavy and big. "**Cas, damn it!**"

He found a metal pipe a couple of feet away.

"What the hell are you doing, boy? - You'll hurt him!" Bobby tried to stop him verbally, but Dean didn't listen, nor did he have time to come up with another plan.

Glass shattered, and Dean threw the pipe away immediately. Castiel arrived a couple of feet away from the car, and it took him just a split second to figure out what was going on. He waited until Dean had unlocked the car from the inside, and slammed the door open. The older Winchester pressed his fingers on Sams neck, frantically searching for a pulse.

Seconds that seemed like eons elapsed, until he found an unsteady and weak _thump _under his fingers. Dean laid his other hand on Sam's cheek. He shuddered with the cold of Sam's skin and shallow, nearly unrecognizable breath.

"Damn it, Sam!", he cursed, as his look fell on the gashes from Sams elbows to his wrists. _This couldn't be happening_ … everything seemed OK with the kid lately. _This just couldn't be happening. _

"Let me handle this.", Castiels voice cut thru Deans razing thoughts.

For a moment, Dean wasn't able to move. He kneeled there, _frozen_, shocked to death, watching his little brother dying.

The angel stepped closer and pulled Dean aside so he could lay a hand on Sam'ss forehead. Within seconds, the cuts healed up, just the blood remained on the torn skin.

"I'll take him inside." After the short statement, Cas vanished with Deans little brother and a flattering noise.

Dean still kneeled on the cold ground, shivering. His breath hitched in a sob, before he even realized, what the angel had said. It took him a couple of minutes to understand what just had happened._ What his little brother had done … what he had done to himself … _

_The Rambling Man_ still played in the background, when Dean got to his feet … as soon as Sam was back among the conscious, he'd kick the hell out of him … _no matter in what shape he was in._ He'd beat him up, and call Cas to fix him, just so he could beat him up a second time, for what he just had _done to himself …_

"We should go inside." Bobby sounded calm, and worried, but mostly shocked at the thought of how fast it could've been over. _Sam dead and Dean broken_ … He would've lost both of his boys, because he was sure, that Dean wouldn't have been able to get over it. Sam dying on a hunt was a much more comforting thing than Sam dying because of a curse, or whatever had caused him to do this … what would made it much worse for all of them was, if Sam had tried to kill himself, because he wanted to end his life.

Back in the house, Dean hurried upstairs, since Castiel obviously didn't put Sam on the couch in the living room. Dean found them in their room upstairs. The Angel sat on the bed, furthest from the door and watched the youngest Winchester. Covered in his own blood, still unconscious, pale and what was much more confusing … he was still out for the count. Dean figured, that it wasn't such a bad thing, since he probably would've yelled at Sam, for even thinking about doing _this_.

"I can't bring him back." Castiel looked up and fixed Dean's gaze. Deep blue eyes meeting Deans emerald green ones.

Dean took a deep breath. "What is this supposed to mean … you can't bring him back? … you're a freaking angel, Cas. Shure you can!"

Castiel sighed and stood up, to face the Winchester, showing him, that he was an angel of the lord. Maybe disconnected to heaven, but he still was an angel, and angels had to be treated with respect. Castiel knew the older Winchester and as such he also knew why he was talking the way he was, but sometimes Cas had to make his point clear … although, he would forgive the human being for being rude, given the circumstances.

"_I can't heal him_, because he doesn't want to be healed, Dean" Castiel stepped closer. "I am sorry."

"What?" Dean looked in those deep blue eyes questioning. "Can't you do anything?"

"You know my powers are limited. Now, since I am disconnected to heaven, even more. - It is in his own hands now." Castiel pressed his lips together. He had seen it a thousand times how hard it was for humans to lose someone they loved. Still he didn't understand it properly.

"I am sorry, that I cannot do more for the both of you. - But I won't go until he made his decision." Castiel sat down on the other bed, and began his watch over Sam.

Deans gaze fell on his brother'ss body. His clothes were full with his own blood. He was pale but he did have a strong breath. Sam looked like he was fast asleep.

"There's nothing to decide. - He's alive, isn't he? - He's supposed to wake up, Cas." Dean snarled.

The angel looked up. "I'm Referring to_ the things_ i've seen in his mind - Dean, it's more complex than you think. I can't explain it to you. Your knowledge is too small to even understand a glimpse of it."

"Then explain it to me." Dean stepped closer to Sam's bed … he wanted to sit there, brush away the sweat soaked bangs of Sam's face … holding him, begging him to come back, that they would fix this somehow. They would fix this _together_, no matter what. But he couldn't. He just couldn't hold him, tell him all this, after his brother had decided to leave him alone in this world with monsters and much worse: humans. "What did you see in that geek brain of his?"

Castiel sighed. "I told you." he looked up at the older Winchester. "I can't explain it to -" Then his gaze flew up, nailing the older Winchesters eyes. "_**BUT**__ I can SHOW YOU._" The angel jumped up from his seat.

Before Dean even realized what had happened, he found himself in front of Bobby's house, the angel at his side. It was night, _darkest night_. There was just enough illumination to make out the house, the veranda and a silhouette that probably was the entrance.

"Where the hell are we, Cas?", Dean tore his look from the house, over to Castiel.

"_This_ is, where Sam is.", Castiel answered low.

"_This_?" Dean swallowed. Yeah, it was Bobby's house … but the darkness? _Whas this, what Sam felt every day? Was this the place where Sam went, when he zoomed out of everything? Was this the place, where he felt safer than in the world out there? _

Deans stomach turned upside down, he had to close his eyes for a moment, then nausea over took him. He felt a hand on his shoulder, to steady him.

"Try the basement. - I think that's where he is." Castiel let go of his friends shoulder.

"Aren't you comin'?", Dean asked, when he took another look at the house.

Castiel shook his head. "I don't think Sam would be comfortable with that." He looked over at his human friend. "I will wait here."

Dean nodded and took a deep breath.

…_... to be continued_

* * *

**by the way: REVIEWS ARE PIE :) leave me some!**

_& flamers end up in hell ^^_


	12. Chapter 12 The End Of The Road

_that's it … the last chapter_

_I hope you all enjoyed this story_

_**special thanks to all my REVIEWERS :)**_

_it was a giant piece of work, but it was worth it … sorry, **NO BETA** this time ^^  
_

* * *

_previously_ on bruisedbloodybroken aka **THE ROAD SO FAR**:

Deans stomach turned upside down and he had to close his eyes for a moment, then nausea over took him. He felt a hand on his shoulder, to steady him.

"Try the basement. - I think that's where he is." Castiel let go of his friends shoulder.

"Aren't you comin'?", Dean asked, when he took another look at the house.

Castiel shook his head. "I don't think Sam would be comfortable with that." He looked over at his human friend. "I will wait here."

Dean nodded and took a deep breath.

* * *

_**NOW**_

_**Chapter 12 ~ The End of The Road**_

It was almost as dark in the house as it was outside. Candlelight flickered, when he entered, and it dove the rooms in a soft orange-red, just like it was short before sunset. Everything was at the exact same place as in Bobby's house. Only the mess was of a different kind. Books, some whole, some torn apart, lay shattered all over the place and Dean had to take care, not to stumble over something on his way to the basement. The door stood wide open, and he hesitated in front of the stairs.

_What_ was he supposed to do? _What_ was he supposed to say, when he found his little brother down there?

The older sibling scanned the small rooms and corners, until he found himself in front of the panic room. The heavy door was locked from the outside, and smeared with blood. _Fresh blood. _

A cold shiver ran down Deans spine, when he slid the latch back. He hesitated again, unsure what he would find in there. _But he knew_ ... No matter if he wanted or not … _he had to_ handle this. **FAST**. Before Sam would make a decision, he wasn't able to turn back.

The heavy door opened with a creak. It looked like years ago inside. Once, when they were fighting against the breaking seals, _the witnesses_ … like Sams withdrawals never had happened down there.

Dozens of candles lit the room in a warm colour, though it was ice cold in there. Deans warm exhale froze in the cold air and it sting in his lungs when he inhaled a deep breath. The older Winchester looked around, searching for a familiar shape when his gaze fell on the darkest corner in the room - between a table and a cabinet. It was dark. Almost like the night outside and it looked like an endless obscurity, swallowing everything that came near her.

"_Sam_?", Dean asked warily. "_Sammy_? - Come out … I know you're here."

"You shouldn't have come." The voice sounded broken and sad. "Dean. _Please_. Go away." Came out of the darkest of all corners.

"I can't, Sam." Dean tried to sound steady, though his voice broke. Something told him to go in there, and pull his little brother out, if he wanted or not. Grabbing him, and dragging him out of here. Out of this damn house, and kicking his ass for what he had done. For bringing them both in this situation. But he couldn't. He knew it would be _wrong_, all sorts of wrong. His little brother was broken and hurt in ways he probably couldn't imagine. Dean Winchester knew _pain_. He knew what it meant to be torn and tortured._ He was in hell_. But he also knew, that the pain in hell felt different._ All sorts of different._ So in some way he wasn't able to imagine what Sam felt right now and he knew that too.

"You won't like what you see.", his brother said, his voice covered in sadness.

"I don't care, Sam. All I wanna see is my little brother. No matter how Broken. Torn. Hurtin' you are. You're all I have left, _Sammy_. I'm not giving up that easy." Dean was on the edge to cry. His eyes filled with tears and he swallowed down a sob.

Seconds passed, until something moved in the darkness, and finally a shape emerged. Deans little brother. _Bloodied. Bruised. Broken._ Like all the wounds these bastards caused were never gone.

Deep cuts from his elbows down to his wrists. Raw flesh and blood glistering in the smooth light of the candles. His clothes torn and dirty; dried blood on his bare feet.

Dean swallowed hard, and forced himself to look at his brother. Veiled green hazel-eyes glittering under shaggy dark hair.

"I can't let you go like this, Sam. - _I can't_. What happened was all sorts of wrong. What I said to you, was all sorts of wrong." Dean started and held up a hand, stopping Sam before he could say something. "Just listen, OK?"

Sam nodded, while fresh blood trickled from his fingertips to the floor.

The older sibling cleared his throat. "I was so _wrong_, when I was mad at you.", he started. "Deep down, I was mad at myself, man. I was so damn mad at _everything_, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you._ I love you Sam_. **You're my brother.** And I won't let you just go. I won't leave you here all on your own." The older Winchester gestured with his hands in the room. "You deserve _better_. You did good, you know? I don't know if I would've made it that far, after all you've been thru. I_ honestly don't._ I just want you to know … **i'm begging you**, don't give up that easy, because_ I can't_ - …. _I can't do this without you._** I don't want to do this without you.** I _need_ you Sam. We're keeping _each other_ human, **you** are keeping me human." Dean took a deep breath. "I can't face what's out there, when you're not around." he swallowed another sob. "When you're ready; when you're commin' back; i'm waiting for you. _I'll be there for you_, **no matter what**. No matter _how long_ it takes. No matter _what_ it takes. - _I need you out there, Sam_." The older Winchester was in front of his brother after two long strides, and pulled him into a tight hug.

Sam hugged him back, with all the streingh he had left and buried his face into his older brothers shoulder.

"_**There ain't no me, if there ain't no you**_" Dean whispered gently and backed away, leaving Bobby's house and Sams mind, to find himself sitting beside his brothers bed in the armchair.

"Dean, are you alright?", the angel asked concerned as he stood by his side.

"_Thank you_ Cas." Dean shook his head. Water stinging in his eyes before a single tear rolled down his cheek and chin, ending in an eternal fall …

* * *

_**Minutes passed away … Hours … Days …**_

Dean hadn't left his little brothers side for a single second. He had promised him to be there when he came back … _IF he decided to come back_ … and he wouldn't let him down … _never again_ …

The Angel had left Dean days ago … just to stand there, in the corner of the small room, _invisible_ from humans eyes and senses to watch over the brothers like a guardian angel would do. Maybe because of worry, maybe because he started to understand what it meant to be human ….

Dean had already given up on the smallest glimpse of hope in him, when he looked up, and saw Sams green hazel-eyes looking at him, lips curled up …

_**THIS**_ was it …

_**THIS **_was the beginning of a long journey, but _together_ they would face every creature, formed by heaven or hell. Because _together they were stronger_ … **stronger than they'd ever know.**

**THE END**

* * *

_let me know what you guys think about it …_

_i've already another idea in my mind, so lets see who'll be back with me ^^_

_love – dakota_

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

_I do not own the characters and/or the show spn._

_but I would like to ...  
_


End file.
